Get Your Mind Right

           It’s really easy to lose sight of how little control we actually have over some aspects of life. It’s not until that "thing" happens that rocks our world that we understand that despite our best efforts, shit happens. If you can grasp this concept, it helps you keep your mind right even when you’re in a storm. Getting your mind right refers to adapting an attitude and way of thinking that transcends circumstances and situations. “Control what you can control.” Many times, circumstances and situations arise that are outside of our control; the only thing we can control all the time is how we handle these situations. If your mind is right, you can take the worst situation and not just overcome it; but triumph.

           I went through a really rough time once. It was literally a situation where I went to bed on top of the world, and awoke with the world on top of me.  I felt miserable and hopeless and there seemed to be no end in sight. I remember wishing for death. To the world however, I seemed strong because I never stopped; I kept pushing forward living life as if nothing had changed. It wasn't until later that I realized I don’t know how to give up. I honestly thought I had no choice but to keep getting up every morning, going to work, taking care of my children and my newly incarcerated husband...after all, I kept waking up alive.

          Much later someone explained to me the fallacy in my thinking. They pointed out that you do have a choice and sadly, many people don’t make it through. There's actually such a thing as giving up without dying. They opt to stay in bed; can't face another day. It even has a name: mental breakdown. That’s when I realized I had actually done something pretty amazing.  I did have a choice: to fight or give up. I CHOSE to fight. I WAS strong. The thing is, I never learned how to give up; only to fight and make it happen - one way or another. So my first point is:

          1. Never learn how to give up.  Don’t teach it to your kids either. There are some basic things we have to have in life and you have to do what you have to do to make sure that you are able to provide those necessities for yourself and your family; by any means necessary.  Menial jobs that are beneath your experience and credentials, temporary public assistance ... These things don’t define you or your worth. They are temporary means to an end. Don’t focus on them or your current situation. Instead, focus on your plan: what you’re doing to put your current situation behind you. 

          2. Don't put your fate into anybody else’s hands. Take charge of your own life and destiny. Do everything you can do for yourself. My son is an aspiring musician currently trying to break into the hip hop industry. He moved to Atlanta specifically for this reason. He has had some small successes but lacks the financial resources to really do what he needs to do. As a result, he’s always in a perpetual state of waiting on someone to do something for him: this person is going to take him into the studio, this guy is supposed to introduce him to that guy who’s in the industry; this girl is supposed to take pictures for his photo shoot or video shoot….. Forget all that! Do everything you can do for yourself. Maybe it won’t be the caliber or quality that you desire. But it’s something. You can be waiting for years to have the $5,000.00 it takes for professional pictures or to shoot a really elaborate video. Meantime, you’re at a standstill; feeling bad, losing motivation and wasting the most precious of all commodities: time. The internet is your friend; iPhone cameras and video recorders are your friends. Use them! Remember, Justin Bieber was discovered on YouTube sitting in his living room singing and playing a guitar.

          3. Keep failures and disappointments in perspective; stay positive. Remember: you don’t have cancer. I say this all the time because I watched my dad die of cancer and that was the most helpless situation I have ever been in. You feel helpless and hopeless. I could do nothing for him, the best Doctors at Duke could do nothing for him, and he could do nothing for himself. He probably wished at that time that his biggest problem was one of the problems I have now. I’m sure he would have preferred being homeless than lying in that bed wasting away waiting for death to claim him. So, If it’s not cancer, you have hope. And even if it is cancer, a positive attitude can bring healing sometimes and if nothing more, peace and calm to you and your family as you help each other cope with the inevitable.

          4. Look at every situation from this perspective: what’s the worst that could happen? Often the worse thing is still something that leaves us with a heartbeat. And a heartbeat means there's still hope. One day my son was having a horrible day. You know, one of those ones that greets you as soon as you wake up. He knew he was going to be late for work due to a curve ball that this dreadful day had thrown first thing in the morning and he knew his supervisor was going to go ballistic because that’s her style. I looked at him and he looked so defeated. I gave him what I believe to be some great advice. I told him, "yes, she is probably going to go ape shit, but you are late so you can’t say too much to that. However, at the end of the day, after all her ranting what is the worst thing that can happen? She can fire you……that’s it.  And the beautiful thing about that is - it’s a dreadful job with low pay that you should have quit already anyway. You will still have a place to live and food to eat." Losing your job might not be as inconsequential to your survival as it was for my son because the “worst thing that can happen is subjective and therefore different for all of us.  But look at it this way: even when the worst thing that could happen happens (death, unemployment, divorce) if you’re still breathing, there's still hope.  My dad died suddenly of cancer; worst thing that could happen. It was painful and rapidly degenerative. But in the midst of all the ugly, was beauty. I got to know him in a way I never had before and WOULD never have but for his illness. We had never before taken that time that we were forced to take once he got ill.

           5. Nothing is the end of the world; except the end of the world. This one goes hand in hand with the last 2. I think I’m stressing this one to the point of being redundant, because it’s so important to keeping your mind right. What makes our minds “wrong” and disillusioned, is giving so much significance and power to the problems that life brings us. People commit suicide over things that could and would work themselves out in a matter of time (sometimes as short as weeks later) if they would give time the chance to do what it does best. That is such a sad waste.

          6. Remember what’s important: good health, family, love. Those of us who are healthy and loved by our family and friends take these precious gifts for granted. Your health gives you the capacity and the ability to build the life that you want. You may not have it now, but if you have good health, the only thing standing between you and that life is how much effort you’re willing to put into making it happen. The person lying in bed dying of cancer no longer has the option to fix his life. He can use the down time to be introspective and figure out some things for the future, but he will never have the chance to bring it to fruition. Family and friends who love you are priceless. The support and love that we get from them cannot be bought and should be valued. But often, we take it for granted. If you are in a loving relationship or have great kids, extended family, sisters or brothers, parents etc. you are blessed and have half of everything you need in life to be happy. Look at the wonderful things that you have right in front of your face instead of looking THROUGH those assets in search of the problems. 

7. The glass really is half full. Any negative situation can be turned into a positive if your mind is right. If you apply for a job that you really want but don't get it, the glass is still half full. Examine your resume with a critical eye, then look for ways to improve it. If you had an interview and didn't get it, critique your interview style and technique. Were you positive and responsive to the questions asked? Were you knowledgeable of the company's objectives? Were you professionally dressed and articulate? Use this rejection as a way of assessing and improving your interview style. Finally, look at it like this: sometimes not getting one job means there is a better job for you. I firmly believe that if you are prepared and position yourself to take advantage of opportunities, you will get what's meant for you. Keep striving.

          8. Keep that friend close who tells you like it is. Honesty is your friend. No sense in being positive if your positive thinking is based on a lie. For example, we all have friends who constantly complain about their jobs, marriage or relationship, body image etc., yet never do anything to make it better. If you think you’re overweight but won’t change your eating habits or exercise, you are contributing to something that is making you unhappy. Worse yet, if you are compounding the problem by dressing in such a way that emphasizes your girth rather than plays it down, you’re making it worse. This is where the good friend that shoots it to you straight comes in. He or she will tell you to do something about your weight if it makes you unhappy and in the meantime, stop dressing like a size 6 if you’re a size 14.  They will also tell you when you’re complaining about things on your job that you cause, or a relationship that you long outgrew etc.  Hearing this “straight no chaser” information is sometimes exactly what we need to make positive changes in our lives.

          I know the advice I am offering is easier said than done but when your very survival depends upon it, it’s easier done too. That age old saying holds a lot of truth but it can also be used as a crutch and an excuse. When you are trying to move forward in life, keep your sanity and find happiness and fulfillment, philosophical crutches and excuses are luxuries you cannot afford. Read books about people who have overcome or who have successfully tackled the field you’re in or the obstacles you face. Learn from their struggles and mistakes, get hope from the fact that they made some of the same mistakes you did, felt miserable sometimes etc. but in the end they made it. You are not alone in your struggles. Others have had the same and somehow figured it out. You will too if you keep your mind right.