If you've ever been in a long term, committed
relationship then you know they have stages:
Stage 1 - Infatuation: You can't stop thinking about the person. You
text and call each other several times a day just to say hi and keep connected.
You can't think about or talk to him without smiling.
Stage 2 - Love: Now you love
the guy. It's not just infatuation. You still enjoy spending
time with him but you're no longer thinking of ways to kill yourself if you haven't spoken to him in 2
hours. It’s comfortable.
Stage 3 - Wait a minute now: Something has
definitely changed. One or both of you no longer operates like impressing the
other is important. Dates have slowed down considerably; sex also. You do a lot
less together; compliments are few and far between and you’re starting to argue.
Stage 4 - WTF??!!: At this
stage, it’s fix it or call it quits. You don't really argue, because you don't
give a $hit but you don't talk either. Sex is only on special occasions and it’s
more like obligation sex: (I'm obligated to have sex with you because it's your
birthday, Valentine’s day etc.)
I've only experienced stage 1-3 because I don't
allow my relationships to go any further. Either we fix it or I move on. I'm
not interested in being in a dead, boring relationship that lacks passion. I'm
happier alone. I know that sounds unrealistic to some but I'm all about
happiness and savoring life to the fullest at every stage of my life. When I'm
in a dead relationship, I'm unhappy and start searching for the reasons why the
fire/interest has waned. First thought is: cheating and I absolutely can't
abide that. So a lifeless relationship that has run its course drags me down
and takes up too much of my valuable mental energy that could be channeled in
more productive ways.
So what's the answer to my question? I think it’s yes and no. It depends on the
nature of the changes and the reasons behind them. If your significant other is
spending less time with you because he/she is in law school, studying for the
CPA exam, or just started his own business, don't be a dick. Experiencing
change for progress is acceptable. In
fact, use his progress as an example and get something going in your life as
well. That way you'll have less time to worry about him because you're making
moves too. Likewise, if he/she is going through something (that has nothing to
do with your relationship but you have talked about it) give him your support,
understanding and a little space to reflect, plan etc. After all, in our 40's
we go through a lot of mental changes. From feeling like we're not where we had
hoped to be professionally and financially by this point in our lives, to
feeling like we need to devote more time to our own personal development or to our
wayward teenagers, at certain points we feel the need to
refocus our attention and energy. If you trust him and don't feel this is just
an excuse to creep, chill out. So that's the "no,” change isn't always bad.”
The "yes" is when the change is
groundless, unexplained, disrespectful and really just the result of a lack of
interest and commitment to the relationship and to you. My partner and I decided early on that no matter how much we loved each other or how deep our
commitment, we wouldn't promise to stay together forever. We would only stay
together as long as we were making each other happy. We would commit to working
hard to communicate openly and honestly, to not take each other for granted and
to continue to do the things that made us fall in love with each other in the first
place. The result: we've had a few tough spots, but overall we are extremely
happy. He still looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and he
dates me. Not only are we madly in love, we’re best friends who have a lot in
common and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. We hang out, laugh and party
together as if we were “boys.” And I
wouldn't have it any other way. When we
lose interest in each other and are no longer motivated to make each other
happy, there's no reason to stay together.
At the end of the day, life is about happiness.
You and your spouse or partner deserve happiness with each other or someone
else. Don't believe the pessimists who believe the honeymoon can't last
forever. It can if you're with the right person, you have that expectation, and
you work at it.
So you engaged yourself in the 3 step exercise for improving your life that I previously wrote about ("What Do You Need To Be Happy? 3 steps to help you figure it out...and get there!" 3/28/13) but couldn't connect to it. It's not that it didn't make sense to you, but you just needed something more. In your contemplation stage, you realized that you needed a complete overhaul; that you literally were not satisfied with any aspect of your life. Personally, you feel fat and out of shape and you're lonely and want to be in a fulfilling relationship. Professionally, you hate your job and feel that your promotion and growth potential is zero. On top of that, when the weekend comes you still don't enjoy yourself because you hate where you live, your friends are boring and you're so overwhelmed with your misery that you don't have the energy or motivation to even try to get out and enjoy yourself. In other words, life has kicked your butt and you are in serious need of a complete life overhaul and if you don't get one you'll never accomplish another thing and might possibly die an early death..... Yeah; it's just that serious. You literally feel like you're drowning in the emptiness and monotony of your life; if you want to call it a life. You have determined all these things, but for some reason, still can't commit to doing something about it. This post is written for the person who needs to make a life change but is paralyzed by fear.
If I have just described you, I am the perfect person to give you advice on how to step out of your current life into the fabulous life that is waiting for you. What qualifies me to do this? Experience. I once felt exactly like that. I felt trapped and stuck in a life that no longer fulfilled me; if in fact it ever had. Many of us are so busy living the lives that society tells us should make us happy that we are totally unaware of what actually makes us happy. Additionally, the same thing that made you happy when you were 23, doesn't automatically continue to make you happy when you're 43. As time goes on, we outgrow people, jobs, cities and states, homes and relationships. This is natural. However we trick ourselves into believing that longevity equates to happiness. For example, if you've lived in the same city for 30 years you should stay there; it's home - familiar. It should make you happy. Or if you've been fortunate to be on the same job (with the same company) for 20 years you should be happy; it's secure. Similarly, and most common, is the idea that if you have been in a relationship for 15 plus years you should stay in it for another 15 if not forever; even if you're no longer happy in it. Why change now?
This type of thinking is so common yet utterly irrational. Think about it. If you're 40 and have been in a relationship with someone for 15 years, does it actually make sense that you should stay with them regardless of whether you are happy and fulfilled? You could very well live to be 80 years old which would mean that you would spend another 40 years in a relationship that doesn't make you happy; and in many cases makes you downright miserable. Does that even make mathematical sense: Sacrifice the next 40 years of your precious life, to ensure that you don't throw away the previous 15? Or keep the same job for 18 more years simply because you have already been there for 20?
Familiarity and security are not always positive forces in our lives. Sometimes a shake up like a change in scenery, jobs and even relationships is just what we need to move to the next level of happiness and success in our lives. In Russell Simmon's book, Super Rich, he concurs. He gives an example of how vital it is to be in a place and space that makes you feel energetic, motivated and enthusiastic about life and its possibilities. He gives an example of a guy that changed his whole outlook and energy by simply moving from one neighborhood in New York City to another. Sometimes it can be that minor. But even if you require something far more significant to change your life, the first step is realizing it, then taking the steps towards living the life you desire.
If all this sounds familiar, it should. It is in essence what I just wrote about in my post from last week. However, I know a few things about people who are too paralyzed with fear to make necessary life changes. First, they need constant encouragement and reinforcement of the things they need to do to make positive changes. Second, they need to hear how you did it. So here, I am reiterating the steps with a few adjustments AND including examples of how I actually did exactly what I am advising you to do.
Step 1: Take inventory of the changes you need to be happy. You might need to change jobs, get counseling ( or even a divorce), put your 25 year old son out, move to another state, lose 20 pounds, cut and dye your hair and/or start your own business. Whatever it is, identify it. When I took inventory, I needed everything! My transformation had actually started a few years earlier before I went full blast. I filed for divorce, choosing my happiness over my reputation as the strong, loyal prison wife. In 2010 when I put myself on the 10 month plan for a complete life makeover, I was ready to go full throttle. I needed to lose weight, quit my job, change careers after 20 years and move to another city and state.
Step 2: Assess your options. Let's not be overly simplistic. I know that an extreme makeover like this takes planning and thought. You can't just quit your job or move and start your own business without figuring out how you're going to finance it; or sell your current home or find a new one etc. The list of loose ends that need tying can be long and seem endless. But it's not endless, and in the end if it leads to your happiness, it's worth it. The key is being smart, strategic, calculating and prepared. For example, if you have determined that you need a life change that involves getting a different job and moving, you have to determine your options. Possible Options:
a. Get a professional resume and start applying for jobs, assess how much money you have (401K, savings, things you can sell etc.). Determine if you have equity in your home; is bankruptcy your best option or can you follow a plan to pay your bills off or down within a reasonable amount of time?
b. Be prepared to make sacrifices both short term and possibly long term. Sometimes you have to give up something to gain something.
In my case, I decided I needed to simplify my expenses as much as possible to allow me to comfortably make the extreme changes I was planning. I was renting in a high rent area and taking care of three children alone which put me in a financially precarious situation that would make saving or paying off bills in preparation for my move impossible. Not wanting to move with a load of debt suffocating me, I opted to file bankruptcy to give myself a clean start.
Step 3: Now that you know what you want and have assessed your options, create a realistic plan with a timeline. When I say realistic, I don't mean a timid one that you can pussyfoot around with for the next 10 years either. That's called procrastination. Rather, I am referring to an aggressive, proactive plan that takes into consideration the complexities of your unique situation. For example, as a teacher and a mom, I did not want to move to a new state in the middle of the school year so I planned my move for summer. I also knew that I would have more money at that time, because I could take the money they had been deducting to pay me bi-weekly through the summer, as a lump sum if I resigned then. My lease was also up in the summer (July) so it worked out perfectly. So be serious and aggressive, but strategic. Additionally, if part of your plan is something involving emotions, leaving a relationship, putting your adult daughter out etc. keep in mind your emotional capabilities and limitations. Don't set yourself up to fail by planning a course of action that you will not be emotionally capable of fulfilling.
Step 4: Take action! Start doing the things on your plan that have to be done to accomplish your goals. For example, my plan required that I start sending out resumes by February and start looking for apartments in Atlanta by April. I also had to put in my notice to vacate my townhouse by a certain date as well as submit my formal resignation from my teaching position by a certain date. I was in "go hard" mode, so I had previously determined that whether I had found a job in Atlanta by the time these other things had to be done, I was moving anyway. In order to make that type of bold decision however, I had to add up any and all money I would be able to put my hands on. I factored in retirement funds, summer pay, items I could sell etc. and knew I would have enough to pay my rent up front for 6 months as well as have a nice little sum to live off while I waited to get a job. I sold my one and only car [huge sacrifice but I found a place in the city where I could walk to everything], jewelry and the furniture I had in my townhouse that I knew wouldn't fit into the much smaller condo I was moving to in Atlanta. I knew that my living funds would be depleted just about the time I could file my income tax return the following year and get a nice refund to carry me through for a few more months if still necessary at that point. Gutsy? yes. Scary? Definitely! A huge sacrifice? You can't even imagine. But worth it? ABSOLUTELY!
At some point, the main objective of all of our lives has to be happiness. Not the superficial trappings of happiness like money, power or status. Those things don't necessarily equate to true happiness. I am happier than I've ever been before in my new city pursuing my dreams working as a freelance writer. I could be working as an attorney, with all the prestige (and money) that the title carries, or teaching again with job security and my summers off with pay. But I wouldn't be happy. Currently, I have less money than I've had in years but I wake up every morning excited about the possibilities and motivated and energized to pursue them. A change of scenery and taking myself out of a blood sucking career and city that I had outgrown released my spirit and gave me the energy to dream and live again; not just exist.
1. Go away if only for 1 night. We often wait until we have the time or money to take a big vacation to a tropical island somewhere out of the country. However, there are great benefits to taking a quick weekend or one night get-a-way to rest and rejuvenate. Even if you drive 30 minutes away to a luxurious hotel and spend 1 day and night resting, dining out and being pampered, the results will be phenomenal.
2. Read a good book or watch a movie where the main character is living the life you desire. Try "The Women" with Jada Pinkett Smith and Meg Ryan or "Sex and the City: The Movie". Both films feature strong, intelligent, funny women with great careers and fabulous lives in spite of the occasional difficulties they face.
3. Talk or write about your fears, aspirations, goals etc. Talking (and writing) are both extremely therapeutic. I can't tell you how many times I've solved a problem or gained a new perspective from simply writing or talking about what was on my mind.
4. Pray or meditate. Choose the one that best helps you to find peace and clarity.
5. Create a realistic schedule that keeps you focused and engaged on achieving your goals. This can be in the form of a weekly (or daily) "To Do" list. Create your list in advance so that your daily activities are specific and focused.
6. Work on developing discipline and consistency. This might involve putting yourself on a strict schedule that includes healthy eating, adequate sleep, regular exercise and increased professional productivity for at least 7 days. The point is to make an effort to develop discipline and good habits.
7. Surround yourself with positive energy. Rid yourself of negative relationships as well as steer clear of negative environments and situations. Instead, gravitate towards people, places and situations that make you feel uplifted, happy and encouraged.
8. Eat well and Exercise. Besides for being imperative for good physical health, eating well and exercising promote emotional and mental health. When I eat healthy and exercise, I feel stronger, more focused and in control.
9. Get adequate rest. You should definitely get your 6-8 hours of sleep per night, but adequate rest is equally important. Take a few moments throughout the day to turn off your mind and just "be." During this period of rest you can take a few minutes to do something you enjoy like read the newspaper or play a game of online chest, or do nothing at all.
10. Keep getting back on the bandwagon. Don't allow 1 mess up to turn into a total collapse of your good work, diet or exercise habits. You're in control! If you have 1 unproductive day don't let it turn into an unproductive week, and then an unproductive month... Everyday is a new opportunity to get it right.
