We
all have our perceptions and ideas about what a responsible adult looks like.
This perception may have been instilled in us directly from endless lectures
from our parents, or we may have gained these ideas in more subtle ways. Subtleties in the form of subliminal messages ingrained in our brains from watching the habits of our parents
and guardians, our favorite TV or movie characters, or books we read. For me, I
learned how to be a wife and mother from Samantha Stevens, beloved character
from my favorite childhood show, Bewitched.
She was the perfect wife and mom. She met Darrin at the door after a
long day of work with a loving kiss and a martini, complete with olive. It
didn’t matter how impromptu the request, Sam handled it with grace and poise.
Dinner for 8 business associates this evening?
No problem. She cleaned the house, whipped up a pot roast with all the
trimmings, cocktails and looked beautiful as well. This was my model and
standard for womanhood. I seemed to
forget somewhere from age 10 to age 26 when I myself became a wife, that
Samantha had help. Number 1, she didn’t work outside the home, and number 2,
she was a witch. Quite a different set
of resources from my own wouldn’t you say?
Whatever the source of your ideas, I would venture to say that they
might need some tweaking at this point too; especially if you’re over 40 like
me. Being over 40, ushers in a sense of liberation that makes you question your
previous perceptions, choices and ideas in favor of ones that make happiness
the priority. With that said, some of the traditional thoughts around being a
responsible adult have shifted for me. They have evolved from
more selfless, self-sacrificing thoughts to more selfish ones that make me, my
happiness, and quality of life a priority.
MYTH 1: (Responsible
adults) Stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids
Absolutely not true! I think the
opposite is true actually; and that is, it is extremely irresponsible to stay
in an unhappy marriage if you have children. In fact, if you’re going to stay
in a loveless marriage, it’s better if there are no children to subject to your
dysfunction. There is nothing scarier or
more uncomfortable than being in the middle of a war zone where there is
constant fighting, tension and abuse. Even if the home climate is not extreme
enough to include fighting and other outward forms of dysfunction, loveless
homes that are devoid of happiness are undesirable environments to raise happy
children in. Children desire and deserve
to be a part of a happy home and family. Whether that home consists of
two parents or one, grandparents or adopted parents, the most important
component is love and peace. No matter how carefully adults think they are
concealing their lack of affection and respect for each other, or their sadness
and misery, children are so perceptive that they are usually able to pick up on
it. It hurts them tremendously to see
one or both of their parents unhappy and often makes them feel guilty. Additionally, if you are unhappy, it manifests
itself in some way that affects your children. Times when I have been unhappy,
I had less tolerance for my children, as well as less energy and desire to
interact and communicate with them.
Sometimes we hide behind our fear of change and disguise our decision to
stay as “for the sake of the children,” when it’s really for the adults.
Children learn a lot from their
parents about what healthy relationships should look and feel like. After all,
it is their very first exposure to any kind of relationship. The responsible
thing to do, is to teach them how to seek and maintain healthy, loving relationships
that nurture and inspire them. Do not teach them to settle, or stay in things
that don’t feel good out of fear or hopelessness but then call it “being
responsible.”
MYTH 2: (Responsible adults) Keep
all problems a secret from the kids so they won't worry
Again, children are very
strong and resilient so you should not shut them out of every problem that the
family faces. Of course you should use your better judgment and apply this
practice to only those problems that are appropriate. But it is beneficial to
children to learn that people aren’t perfect. This knowledge helps them to
be sensitive and considerate to others. If
you lose your job and can therefore no longer afford to pay for piano lessons,
or vacation plans have to change, let them know that the family has to make
some adjustments. Trust me; they will be sensitive and understanding if you
give them the opportunity to develop those characteristics. We often knock
ourselves out trying to do things we either can’t afford to do or don’t have
time to do all in the name of “not disappointing the kids.” Instead of doing this, let your kids know that
you love them but you are human and have emotional, physical and financial
limitations. Allow them to help find
solutions to problems as well. For
example, if you can no longer afford piano lessons or can’t get them to
basketball practice on Saturday because you have to work, ask for their ideas
on possible solutions. They may decide to use money they normally use for
entertainment to help with their lessons or earn money to contribute by doing
jobs around the neighborhood. To solve the basketball practice dilemma, they
may decide to ask a teammate if they can catch a ride or tell the
coach and let her help. Teaching your kids to be sensitive, flexible and
understanding is one of the greatest lessons you can teach them. These
characteristics help them to keep disappointments in perspective and to
understand that families work together to solve problems rather than attack
each other and make each other feel guilty and inadequate.
MYTH 3: (Responsible adults) Stay
in jobs they hate because they’re 10 years away from retirement
At the ripe old age of 42, I
finally got the courage to leave my safe career of 20 years (pension and all),
as well as move to a brand new state in search of a life that I could love, not
just tolerate. When I was a kid, I acted in theater and loved it! My dream career was to be an actor but like so many, I did the responsible
thing and put it on my shelf of dreams in order to go to college and become a
teacher and later a lawyer. I hadn’t lost the desire then, just the courage
to pursue what I really wanted because it wasn’t a stable career.
I lost the acting bug somewhere
between law school and age 38, but now being in a new city that makes me feel
energetic, happy and optimistic, I’ve reconnected with another
"unstable" passion of mine: Writing. I've always loved to read and write and I've written many
"unpublished" articles on life and love over the years. But I always
approached writing as a hobby; not a job or something that I could do professionally
full time. However, now that I'm in a state of mind of pure optimism, faith,
and passion, I'm doing what I always wanted to do. I make less money than I ever
have, but I'm 1000 times happier now. The
money and security will come because I'm finally doing what I'm supposed to be
doing. So, if you have something you've
always loved; something that makes you deliriously happy and makes you lose
track of time when you're doing it, make it into a job! You're not being irresponsible
to desire a life of joy and a job that makes you happy.
Here’s a bit of food for thought in
case the pursuit of happiness for happiness’ sake isn’t enough for you. In 2010, I watched my 65 year old, healthy,
physically fit father die of cancer. He found out in late February that he had
this dreadful disease. By March his body was visibly under attack, by April he
was a shell of the man he once was (little more than skin and bones) and by
May, he was dead. My father worked the same job for over 40 years when he finally
earned the right to retire. RETIREMENT: We live our whole lives waiting for
this magical period of time when we can draw our hard earned pennies drenched
in the blood, sweat and tears of our labor. We pinch, save and put off
vacations and other things that make us happy in the name of being responsible
adults. My dad felt like that. And guess
what? He NEVER got the chance to do any of those things he planned; none of the
traveling, relaxing and enjoying that he worked so hard and planned for. He died instead.
MYTH 4: (Responsible
adults) Pay all bills in full every month even if it
leaves them broke
I know my responsible adult
readers are going to write me off as a hopeless fool for this one, but hey; you
do you and I’ll do me. And “Me” ain’t
gonna leave myself poor to make sure that Capitol One can be rich; sorry. I’ve already been there / done that and I
swear it was over rated. I love good credit and it is mighty important but
what’s more important than anything else to me is my happiness and peace of
mind. Every post that you read on this blog is going to shout this sentiment
to the rafters.
For clarification’s sake, let me say
that I am in no way encouraging and applauding bad credit or being
irresponsible and getting accounts turned off and closed out in the name of
partying and FUN-ing. Quite the
contrary; I live within my means and believe in saving. But what I don’t do is
something that I used to do years ago; and that is pay every bill I have in
full even though doing so is going to leave me penniless; penniless to the
point that for a full 2 weeks (until I get my next paycheck) I only have money
to get back and forth to work. No lunch money, no go out for a drink with a
friend money, no order a pizza on Friday night for the kids money; NOTHING.
Instead, I pay bills smarter. For starters, I
learned how to call and work out payment arrangements. For companies that will
allow you to post-date payments up to seven days (Shout out to Verizon
Wireless!!!), I do just that. I learned how to pay a large enough portion of
the bill (without paying the whole amount), to keep the service on as well as
to stagger payments. Before, I would pay everything without employing any of
these strategies and just be broke for a pay period. But for anyone who has
ever done this, you know how miserable and destructive to your self-esteem it
is to be a grown woman or man, who works hard every day but doesn’t have enough
money to spend $20.00 on yourself. This
type of poverty will make you hate yourself, your job and life in general. I
have learned that life is short and that happiness is the priority. If you can
be happy penniless, go for it; but if you can’t, find ways to maneuver around
your bills so that you can live well while you try to get it right.
MYTH 5: (Responsible adults) Give
fun and adventure an expiration date
Don’t kid yourself; it’s never too
late to have fun! You can still party, go to strip clubs, girls weekends, get
drunk and laugh until you cry over nothing. In fact by this point in your life,
you've really earned it; even more so than when you were in your 20's! Being
mature isn't about being ultra conservative, dry and corny. Maturity equates to
decision making. You never wake up and suddenly feel mature. I still feel like
the girl I was at 20. I still have it in me to react to things the same way I
did when I was 20 which can be both negative and positive. For instance, if you
catch me wrong, that feisty 20 year old in me is still at the surface desiring
to curse you out AND smack you. Maturity however, leads me to make a wiser
decision; a decision more in line with the woman I am today. Being 43 has
nothing to do with it though. By the same token, I still like to laugh until I’m
breathless just as I did when I was a teenager. It’s really about balance; balancing the
mature you with the girl in you. So, indulge that 22 year
old that still dwells within you. If you have exercised, ate well and kept your
body tight and toned, wear shorts and heels. You're not too old for it. If you
and your man like amusement parks, go…....without the kids. It’s not against
the law. Life is to be lived and living is enjoying; not just existing. Don't
let society dictate the rules of your life.
