I'm Not Perfect, But You're Messed Up Too"

If I had a nickel for every time one of my kids gave me the "you ain’t crap shrug," or the "you always disappoint me look," or the "I really wish I had a better mom" dry, silent treatment, I'd be a billionaire. It seems that despite my best and most valiant efforts, I'm always falling short. I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm a good mom by anybody's standards. Well, anybody's but a child who has not yet moved past his selfish, “me-me-me” stage.

I used to take these attacks personally and I would feel so guilty. I knew I was doing a good job, but I would still feel bad that for whatever reason my kids weren't happy. Something I was doing or neglecting to do, was causing them sadness. It killed me. Then one day with the help of my wise cousin, I decided to give myself a break. I am a single parent working hard professionally and emotionally to play the role of both parents. I'm sure I fall short but so do they; they are not perfect kids. There: I said it. (Let it marinate.) Ok……

I’ve received disciplinary calls from school, set punishments for bad report cards, even made a couple trips to the police station. As parents however, we try hard to build our kids up; not focus on their mistakes.  We constantly tell them how great they are, how much we love them, how smart they are etc. We don't focus on the negative sides of their personality: how selfish and ungrateful they can be, how obnoxious and lazy, how insensitive and spoiled and sometimes downright mean. And I’m not saying that we should highlight these things. I definitely think that we should go above and beyond to build them up to be confident, moral people that love and value themselves and others. The question is, “are we going about achieving this purpose in the right way?” By ignoring our kids’ faults and allowing them to highlight all of ours, we contribute to the inherent selfish nature they are born with.
Babies: beautiful, chubby little cherubs that you just want to hug and kiss to pieces; except of course when they are crying endlessly for no reason and keeping you up for the second night straight.  Don’t they realize you have to wake up at 5:30 am for work and it’s already 2:00?? When they drop their pacifier on the floor and start wailing to the tops of their lungs because you don’t take your hands off the steering wheel to get it immediately, don’t they know it’s because you can’t? Of course they don’t. Everybody knows that. They are babies. And babies want everything right now no matter what. They don’t know enough about people or the world around them to understand that they are not the only ones with needs and feelings. As they get older however, their minds can handle this additional information. But do we give it to them? Do we teach them to understand the needs of others? Do we teach them to be non-judgmental, considerate and understanding? Or in our haste and desire to be better parents than our own, do we inadvertently allow them to stay in their selfish “baby stage” well past the time when it’s acceptable or cute? I believe we do. And this is making a generation of selfish people who care only about themselves. We’re grooming our children to be obnoxious little people that only we can love because we have to. But I want to actually like my children; not because they’re mine but because they’re nice, likeable people. How do we do it? Here are some tips for handling imperfect children who expect perfection. 

            The Guilt Trip: Don’t take it.  Do not allow your children to make you feel guilty when you’re doing the best you can. We expect our children to do their best and no matter if their best falls short of our desires, we are forced to accept it and continue loving them.  So why should they get to treat us any differently? My daughter used to rule my life with this manipulative tactic. If I was going out or doing anything other than what she wanted me to do, she would walk around with this huge cloud of attitude wrapped all around her.  It would be a combination of sadness, disappointment and nastiness. Being the loving, sensitive mother that I am, I want my kids to be happy; especially now that I’m so happy. It’s a terrible heavy feeling of guilt to be insanely happy every day and see your kids unhappy. But I had to realize a couple of things to free myself from this dilemma. First, my daughter is not unhappy. Being unhappy is an overall state; and overall she is happy. She has a nice, safe home, friends and everything she needs. Her problem is she is a control freak and wants what she wants, when she wants it no matter who has to be inconvenienced. She’s still in her baby stage. I play into the foolishness by taking her drama seriously and feeling guilty because she’s not “happy,” when in fact, she’s just not happy for that moment. And guess what? That’s ok. You don’t have to be happy every minute of the day; especially when your unhappiness is self-imposed and stems from you acting spoiled, selfish and obnoxious. 

Teach your children to respect your free time:  When you go out; you’re out. Don’t allow them to sabotage your time away from home by calling and worrying you with mundane trivialities that could be addressed upon your return. My daughter was famous or shall I say infamous for doing this to me. I would “stress out” trying to find the perfect sitter for her so I could avoid her tormenting me all night with texts and calls complaining about how bored she was or how badly she wanted to come home. Sometimes I could accomplish this feat but more often I couldn’t. She was only happy at her Godmother’s. If she was anywhere else she raised holy hell; sometimes crying and complaining and at other times just walking around sulking and making everyone around her miserable. When she called, instead of dismissing her tantrums, I fed into them. I asked questions and entertained her complaints. By the 8^th call or text, my mood and night were ruined. Mission accomplished. At some point I realized that being a good mother doesn’t require that I allow my kids to manipulate and control me emotionally. If I go out or away and leave them in a safe, loving environment where they could be happy if they wanted to be, then I’ve done my part. They need to respect my "friend time" the same way I allow them to have fun and enjoy their friends when they’re away.

            Try to be as honest and transparent as appropriate with your children:  Allow them to see you as a human being and not a super hero from the planet “motherhood.” It’s ok to show them that your feelings get hurt, that you’re overwhelmed and sometimes confused. Let them know that you don’t always have the right answers but that you love them and try your hardest to do what’s best for everyone. Also let them know that you have needs, interests and desires outside of them. Yes, they are a priority but they are not your only priority. I know that most of us learned to protect our kids from the ugly truth and to shelter them from the difficult situations that arise in our lives in an effort to keep them from worrying. But I have found this to be more detrimental than helpful to all involved. First of all, children are stronger and more resilient than you think. They can handle change, tough situations and disappointment better than we think. If all they see is faux perfection, how will they learn to handle disappointment and reality? Secondly, they respect honesty much more than they do lies and facades. In fact, down the road when the truth comes out, and it always does, they often feel upset and betrayed by our dishonesty. 

          Let your children know that there are limits to how far you will go to accommodate their wants:  In our modern society that teaches “rush, do more, stay busy and never take a break” mania as a way of life, our children are constantly involved in activities. Rest and down time has played out. If you’re 40 plus, surely you remember as a kid having whole days and weeks where you didn’t have shit to do but breathe; nowhere to go, no people to see, no trips to take, no play dates….. (speaking of play dates, who came up with that term? I hate it!) We were bored much of the time and no one spent part of the rent money to take us to Dave & Busters to relieve us of this strange disease called Boredom which suddenly leads to insomnia, weight gain, death and other undesirables. And guess what? We didn’t die! In fact, a little thing called “creativity” was birthed in us, and we invented amazingly fun games and activities to occupy our time and energy. I had a ball playing “freeze tag,” “old lady,” and “Little House on the Prairie.” But this was back during the time, that it was ok to be bored. It was during the time when children still knew how to be tolerant and patient and understood that their insignificant whims were less important than the daily tasks and responsibilities that grown-ups faced.

          Now fast forward to the present: how many times have you nearly broken your neck trying to get your kids to soccer practice, chess club, a friend’s house for pizza….. at the expense of work, the legal speed limit, and your sanity? If you’re like most parents, a million times at least. We miss things that are important to us and run ourselves ragged making sure that our kids get here, there and everywhere. We don’t receive nor expect special thanks for this. But I think we should expect special thanks because often children take these efforts for granted. Basketball practice is not a requirement unless you play for the Lakers. It is not worth a speeding ticket or the stress we incur to get them there every time. But they come to expect this type of “cracked out” mania every time. The first time you can’t make it, they’re visibly upset. You get that “you aint crap shrug” and that “you’re always disappointing me” look that tugs at our heartstrings and triggers our feelings of guilt and inadequacy. But what it really should trigger is a good “cussing out.” When our kids work really hard on a project at school but bring home only a “C,” we console them and tell them “it’s ok because you tried your best, blah, blah, blah…..” We say and do everything we can to make them feel better. But what if we gave them the same “you aint crap shrug” and “you always disappoint me look” that they give us? We would be crowned “world’s worst parents.” But what’s the difference? Shouldn’t they be crowned “world’s worst kids” for being insensitive? Children aren’t born being sensitive and considerate. They learn it from us. The best way to teach it is to require it in their dealings with us since their relationship with us is their first significant one. If we break our necks getting them to every frivolous activity at the expense of life and limb, how will they gain a sensitivity and appreciation for other people’s time and efforts?  Giving in to their whims, allowing them to throw tantrums and exercise insensitivity and stubbornness whenever we fall short in their eyes, is encouraging them to be horrible adults.

            Discourage at all costs the development of a sense of entitlement and superiority: Your children are not entitled to any more of anything than you are. They are not superior to you nor are their wants and feelings superior to yours. They don’t deserve more patience, tolerance, love, understanding, and gratitude than you or any other person in the world. When they are hurt, disappointed, sad or tired, the negative feeling is no more intense for them than it is for you. You are both human and as such have some of the same needs and desires. Teach them this early! The world does not revolve around any one person: including them!! Let them know that you are not perfect but you love them dearly and are committed to doing your best for them. Tell them that you need unconditional love, patience, and sensitivity from them. In return, you will give them the same. If the time comes that you need to remind them that they are imperfect and bring disappointment to you sometimes as well, do it. Teach them that throwing stones opens them to being hit with a couple themselves. 

        At the end of the day, I do the best I can for my family; and my best is pretty damn good. I now realize that taking care of them doesn’t have to come at the expense of me.  This realization has been liberating. My children are definitely a priority, but so am I.  I have learned that their whims and selfishness are things to be discouraged and ignored; not encouraged and fed into.  The bottom line here is when you know and respect who you are as a parent, you can be comfortable in your decisions and how you handle your children. I know how much I love them, and how concerned I am for their well-being and happiness. So when the mother they try to portray me as, is in total contradiction with the mother that I know I am, I trust myself.  My kids are great kids; as are yours I’m sure. They have the capacity to be understanding and sensitive if we give them the opportunity to exercise it. It really is up to parents to turn our crying, selfish babies into caring, sensitive adults.