Parents: Do Not Put the Kids First!

            I know the idea that responsible, loving parents shouldn't put the kids first shocks the conscience.  A good parent, especially a good mom, wouldn't dare to think it; not less say it. But I just did.  Not only did I say it, I wrote it and published it so that "selfish" statement is forever memorialized and linked to my name; a proud and loving mother of three. But there's a simple, common sense reason why this is essential.

The man and the woman are at the core of the relationship. They are the foundation; the root. It all began with them. They came together and married or moved in together and decided to start a family because of the way they made each other feel. Talking, flirting, laughing and whatever else turned them on about each other is what distinguished their particular relationship from all the others they'd had. It made them want to take THAT relationship to the next level. That need for connection doesn't have an expiration date. To keep things fresh and exciting, the "couple only" things have to still happen; and not once every 3 months between ballet recitals and soccer games: OFTEN. I would go so far as to say at least once a week. I know most couples, (especially moms) laugh at the idea of weekly “couple only” time. Common excuses are: "There's not enough time and even if I find the time, where would I find the energy needed to do it and really be present?" Well I have a suggestion; find the time and energy in the same place you'll find it in the future when you suspect or God forbid KNOW, your partner is cheating on you.  Men and women alike get so comfortable and secure in their relationships over time that they take them for granted. When this happens, they lose sight of the attention that they both need from each other. Although you may stop giving or receiving this attention, it doesn’t mean one or the other of you stopped desiring it. This emotional and physical deficit opens the door for disaster.

As a former wife, and a mother of three, I can honestly say that women are initially less cognizant of the attention they're not getting because they're so occupied with the school bake sale and laundry duty. We take on so many roles; we often work outside the home and then come home and take on our second full time job as homemaker and mom. There is no definitive end to our workday even once we get home or shall I say especially once we get home. Even “stay at home” moms become consumed by the endless abyss of household and child rearing duties to the extent that they forget to set time parameters and controls.  As a result, we end up cheating ourselves as well as our partners by getting so wrapped up in household and children activities, that we leave little time or energy for anything else.  Though men may tend to get wrapped up in work outside the home, once they get home, they’re not usually expected to cook dinner and do laundry so they can usually relax. Therefore, in their evening down time, they are well aware of the lack of attention: no sex for the 3^rd night straight, coming home to a frumpy, disheveled wife in sweats for the 3^rd week straight etc.

 So my simple point is this. Kids are needy and selfish by nature. They have no concept of anyone else's needs besides their own for a very long time. If they did, would your infant wake up for another bottle at 5am when you just fed him one at 3?? Or would your 16 year old beg to get her license when she knows it will sky rocket your car insurance and you're already strapped for cash?? You get the picture right? So with that being the case, don't expect them to tone down their schedules, wants and needs to give you and your partner permission to spend regular uninterrupted quality time. You as the adult must seize that time. Keep some of your effort and energy to do the things that nurture your relationship. Carve away daily time to connect in a simple way (time to talk privately and uninterrupted, have an afternoon quickie…) Then on a weekly basis, plan to do something more elaborate.  Remember: being a good mom or dad is not in conflict with being a good partner. You're not automatically neglecting your kids every time you do something exclusive of them. The key is balance and setting priorities.

I recently watched an old episode of Sex and the City, one of the most educational shows on TV might I add. I learned more from that show than I did in law school. Oh well, I digress. During the time that Charlotte and first hubby Trent were trying to have a baby, old friends of Trent's stop by. Trent was struck by how different they were together from how he remembered. Once they were gone he mentioned this to Charlotte. He said, "They used to be so in love. Now they're just...." Charlotte finished the sentence for him, "parents." They both sat in silence with “light bulb moment” expressions etched across their faces. Camera goes to next scene.

Don't let the addition of kids to your relationship negatively impact your dynamic as a couple. Keeping that love and spark helps the relationship and the kids by giving you a better chance of staying together; and not just for them, but because you're happy. Seeing mom and dad flirt with each other, talk and laugh together, as well as getting dressed to go out on regular dates is their first and best example of what a happy relationship looks like. So continue to nurture your friendship with each other as intensely and frequently as you did before the kids. Appreciate and find it sexy that he is a great dad or that she is an awesome mom as opposed to seeing those roles as “all encompassing” and separate from your dynamic as a couple. Let your kids know that you love them, but you have a special relationship with each other outside of them that you cherish as well. If you’re doing it right, your kids should see you as a loving, romantic couple; not just as parents.