One of the
cruelties of life is that people always want whatever they don’t have. Skinny
girls want curves and curvy girls starve themselves to be skinny; married
people crave the freedom and autonomy they had when they were single and single
people pray nightly for someone to answer to and inhibit their freedom. Teens
long to be adults and adults wish they could be teens again. “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” However, we all know that this saying is really a sarcastic
way of acknowledging that it’s probably never greener but when you don’t have
it, it will always seem mighty tantalizing over there. So why do we spend so
much of our time coveting things, people, lifestyles and circumstances that we
don’t have? There’s probably no scientific answer to this question but my very
unscientific one is that it’s probably due to that little monster of personal sabotage
that lives within each of us. But instead of letting this little monster
succeed in making you miserable, try embracing and celebrating your current
status. Here’s how!
ONE: Take stock of all the good things that characterize
your life: “AS IS.”
TWO: Tear down the fantasy of how great the
other side is.
THREE: Don’t
let society dictate to you what defines beauty, fulfillment or happiness. Create and embrace the unique standards of
beauty and happiness that work for you.
I Want Children: The first
thing you have to understand is that both sides of the fence have desirables
and undesirables. Single people who desperately want children have just dropped
their jaws to the floor wondering how a couple with 2 angelic children and a
dog could possibly have a moment where they don’t experience almost orgasmic
joy in the midst of having it all. Well, I’ll tell you. First, those 2 beings
that you labeled angelic are anything but angels 80% of the time; and those “great”
Saturdays spent shuffling the “angels” to soccer games, ballet class and to the
mall for new sneakers is anything but “great” to the exhausted couple who would
love to just experience the joy of sleeping late one Saturday before the
eternal slumber of death. They WISH they could lie in bed until they feel like
getting up and then have one whole day that involved only things that they wanted
to do. The thought of having a 20 minute phone conversation without
interruptions from a child who wants a snack…….NOW is heavenly. Meeting a friend for impromptu drinks after work
sounds divine, but anything impromptu is out of the question because having kids
is the most restrictive existence outside of actual incarceration that exists
in the free world. In order for the average working mom to meet a friend out
for unplanned drinks after work, she has to arrange for someone to pick the
kids up from school, help them with their homework, make them dinner, ensure they
get bathed and in bed on time…. Not to mention, sign permission slips for
tomorrow’s field trip and pack lunch etc. etc. etc. It never ends; and this is
just one day. So, am I saying that you should change your whole life plan and
schedule Vasectomies and Tubal Ligations A.S.A.P.? No; I’m not. What I am
advising however, is take the time to enjoy your childless status and the
delicious freedoms that come with it. Relish it. Then, when your status changes
to mommy or daddy, you’ll enjoy it even more.
I Want a Spouse/Significant Other: If we could throw together some great physical, mental and
emotional characteristics, blend them in a bowl then bake on 350 for an hour
and have our soul mate, we’d all be in the kitchen right now. But since we can’t,
why waste time stressing over “when” and “if” he or she is going to materialize?
Contrary to the information touted by so many articles and books written to
mainly women audiences, changing your hair, losing 10 pounds, and playing “dating
mind games” is not going to cosmically bring you in contact with the person
destined to be your soul mate. So instead of wasting time making so called “improvements”
and adjustments to yourself in hopes of catching Prince or Princess Charming,
use this time to enjoy “You” and to improve yourself simply for the benefit it
brings to you as a person. As a woman who has experienced marriage, divorce and
is now a partner in a committed relationship, I have a clear and well-rounded perspective
of relationships. I know that marriage can be wonderful but it is not the total
bliss that desperate singles imagine it to be. Even when you are in an amazing relationship like the one I’m in now, there are still times when you miss the
autonomy and freedom of being single. As much as you love the sense of
belonging to someone who adores you, you have moments when you miss belonging
only to yourself; the days when you could make major decisions without considering
or consulting anyone. When you are in a relationship you end up sharing
everything: your body, space, heart, time…..life. And sometimes, you wish
everything could just be about you. You wish you had the freedom to quit your
job and pack up and move to Miami because it was one of your college dreams to
live near the beach and operate a burrito truck. Well, if you’re married or
even in a committed relationship, you could never make a quirky decision like
that without consulting him or her. And when you do, how likely is it that the
answer will be: “Let’s go!” If you have kids: no consultation necessary. It
just “aint” happening!
I Want to Be Skinny: Body image
is huge in this country; maybe even the world. Trust me, I know because I spend
15% of everyday looking in the mirror and criticizing what I see. At one time,
the trend was to be as hip-less, butt-less, thin and waif-like as humanly
possible. We starved ourselves to be that. Now the trend is to be booty-licious
thanks to pop icons like J-Lo and Beyonce. But…..or should I say, Butt……you can’t
just have a curvy rear end because that would be easy for some of us. You have
to have a curvy butt and hips, BUT a waist made for ultra-tiny waifs from times
past. The combination is almost unnatural. So what do we do? We get butt injections,
implants, liposuction and other procedures that a natural girl like me has
never heard of. They even make butt pads which look ridiculous, may I add. I’ve
had my biggest laughs looking at some skinny girl in the club who looks like
she has two loaves of wheat bread in her pants. The skinny thighs and huge butt
is a dead give-away. And if you have an ample figure all over, forget it. The
world has no place for you. But instead of riding the rollercoaster of society’s
beauty trends that are here today and gone tomorrow, develop your own sense of
what looks good for YOU. I have always had a small top and curvy bottom; way before
the mainstream thought it looked good. I didn’t try to get the fat sucked out
my butt; I just wore clothes that made me feel and look good to ME. Now it’s in
style, but next year - who knows? Now and then I see a small, petite girl and
wish I looked like that but I immediately shoo that thought away. I make my
main objective to be healthy and work with what I have. The huge boobs you
hate, your short 4’11” frame, round hips, thick lips, big butt, small butt and
the list goes on, is the envy of someone somewhere. Not only that, it is a huge
turn-on to someone as well.
Food for Thought: Believe it
or not, there are just as many married people who wish they were single as there
are singles who want to be married. There are moms and dads with children who wish
they didn’t have that huge emotional, physical and financial responsibility. And
yes, while curvy girls are saving to have their big butts, thighs and hips
suctioned away, skinny girls are saving for injections to have theirs enhanced.
I am a proponent of doing what you need to be happy; but only if it’s truly
what YOU need, and not what the world tells you that you need. Only You
know the answer to that. To illustrate this, again I must allude to the Bible
of Life: “Sex and The City;” this time the movie (part two). Carrie and Big
made two extremely non-traditional decisions that worked for them. First, they
decided to never have children. Although a happily married couple, they decided
that children just didn’t fit into their lifestyle as a dual career, social,
NYC couple. They even had rings engraved to commemorate the decision: “me and
you; just us two.” Second, they decided to retain Carrie’s old apartment so
that once or twice a week, one or the other could go over there to have privacy
and space. He wanted to lay in bed and watch TV which irked her and she needed
the time away to feel like herself again so she could write. They had both been
single for a long time and found that though madly in love, they still needed a
little space from time to time. Her friends thought it strange at first, which
made her insecure, but in the end, they ended up using the apartment themselves
when they needed a little R&R away from their own hubbies and homes.
But it’s not
about what friends think: it’s about you. So if you’re married and feeling
restricted and unhappy, talk to your spouse about what you need; if it’s a
little non-traditional, so what? If you’re
a mom and starting to hate your children, verbalize it. Then get the support
you need to get away and have the alone time necessary for you to recharge and
enjoy motherhood again. There are no “right or wrong" decisions; just “right or
wrong” decisions for YOU.
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| A happy couple starting a family |
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| Single girls having fun |
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