What Do You Need To Be Happy? 3 steps to help you figure it out.....and get there!

         

         

It's always a great time to make a plan to be happy. If you follow this blog, you know that's a recurring theme and the foundation for every decision I make as well as the philosophy that I urge my readers to adopt. But allow me to pose this seemingly simple question: Do you know what you need to be happy?




STEP 1: Think about it: But not for a few minutes here and there as you whip through traffic or to fill the 5 empty minutes that it takes you to fall into a deep sleep at the end of an exhausting day. Carve out a chunk of significant “alone time” to engage in some deep and honest introspection. Then ask yourself that terrifying question that could call into question your entire life: “Am I happy?”

            A. Write down your answer which will undoubtedly be two-fold or even three-fold; in some areas you’re  happy, in others not quite, and in still others: miserable. But before you answer, remember this exercise is just for you and no one else will know about it. So give yourself permission to admit to yourself your true feelings. Don’t worry about how hurt your husband, kids, boss or whoever would be if they knew how you really felt. First of all, they won’t know and second, this is about YOU; not them.

            B. Once you have written down your honest answer, take the next step and create a Happy Column, “So So” Column and Miserable Column. Then appropriately categorize the various aspects of your life under each.

            C. Your happy column is cool (and hopefully long) so just smile at those aspects of your life that bring you joy, then blow them a kiss and vow to do what you need to do to maintain it. Now, it’s time to look at the areas that need your attention. Use a highlighter to mark the things under your “So So” and “Unhappy/Miserable” columns that are within your power to change or fix. Be realistic and also open and honest when you do this. For example, if you put your husband under your unhappy column and your responsibilities as a mom under your So So Column, don’t just assume that you can’t fix or change those things because you don’t intend to divorce your husband or put a hit out on your kids. Instead, mark them anyway because there are ways that you can change the way you feel about your husband as well as the responsibility that being a mom puts on you if you devise a plan of action to improve it. Unfortunately, there are a few rare things that bring us displeasure that we can’t change. For example, if you’re black and you wish you were white, there’s no cure for that……….yet. But if you feel fat, dumpy and unattractive or hate driving the kids back and forth to activities in your every spare moment, these things have solutions.

STEP 2: Make a realistic plan to fix the things you can fix. When I say realistic here, I mean in terms of actually being able to be executed as well as being within your power to execute them. For example, if you have a rebellious 21 year old who lives at home, won’t work and is just driving you bananas, don’t say you’re going to give her 1 week to find a job and get it together or you’re going to put her out, if you know that emotionally you would never be able to handle actually enforcing that consequence. Similarly, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds, don’t look at an infomercial for P190 X and say you’re going to do that if you know yourself well enough to know that’s way too extreme to be sustainable for you. The key to your success here is to make a plan for each area that is within your power to execute. It’s ok if the plan takes you out of your comfort zone a little; in fact, it should. But not to the extent that you’re setting yourself up to fail.

            A. Prioritize: what needs to be done 1^st, 2^nd and so on? There is a logical order for dealing with the issues that you identify in your life. Some issues are causing you more immediate unhappiness and need to be dealt with immediately. For instance, if your list includes getting out of a bad relationship, losing 20 pounds, and finding a new job, your honest, self-reflection might tell you that losing the boyfriend first will be pivotal in freeing up your emotions to do the other things successfully. Any woman who has been in a bad relationship can tell you how emotionally and physically draining they are. Therefore, taking care of that might put you in a better mental space to make regular time to exercise and change your diet. It will also demonstrate to you your power to take control of your life which could boost your self-esteem and make you feel empowered to get a new job.

            B. Make a concrete, specific plan for fixing each issue.  This plan should include specific dates and actions. But these dates and actions should be realistic; even if your plan ends up being a “1 year plan” rather than the “3 month plan” you would like it to be. So, if your list includes quitting your current job there are several things that may need to be a part of your concrete plan. Things like finding a new job first if you don’t have enough savings to carry you over. And just within that one step is a plethora of other tasks; like getting your resume professionally done, deciding whether to hire a head hunter etc. So when making your plan of attack, make sure you carefully think through every step and make efforts to pinpoint any potential problems so you’ll be ready for them.

C. Assess ALL of your options. When we are in a life rut, we erroneously believe that we are hopeless and have no options. This is usually far from the truth. We often have access to money (borrowing from your retirement or 401k, selling jewelry, extra vehicles or surplus furniture) that we haven’t considered. Also, don’t forget good old fashioned “cutting back.” Change often requires a certain degree of sacrifice, discipline and a lot of thinking outside the box. Taking the time to assess your options is a significant part of the preparation process that is crucial to making a successful and sustainable life change .

STEP 3:  Stick to it!! These three simple words are the most important advice of all. It is very easy to create a phenomenal plan and fail just because you toss it to the side, procrastinate and neglect to do the things that you identified as necessary to get to the life you want. Having someone who supports you and checks in with you periodically to make sure you’re on track is very helpful. That person can hold you accountable, remind you of what’s at stake and simply serve as encouragement / someone to vent to. However at this phase, the most important factor is still YOU. You will have to convince yourself that you deserve happiness and allow this prevailing thought to propel you through the difficult times when you lack motivation and energy to do what you need to do to get you there.

          Easier said than done right? I know. I have been where you are and remember how easy articles and posts such as this made doing something as huge and terrifying as making a significant life change appear. Even when I read articles about real people who had actually done it, I found ways to distinguish their situations from mine. In my mind, they always had some advantage that I didn't or circumstances that were not quite as dire as mine......and the list goes on. However, those are all excuses and crutches that we conveniently use to keep ourselves from having to take responsibility for our happiness and act. At the end of the day, it all boils down to this: knowing what type of life you want to live and being willing to do the work, make the sacrifices and exercise the courage to go after it. Believe it or not, for most of us, precious little separates us from living the life we want. Make a commitment to start laying the foundation now to ensure that this time next year, you're living the life you want.