Is Fear Keeping You From Living Your Best Life?

So you engaged yourself in the 3 step exercise for improving your life that I previously wrote about ("What Do You Need To Be Happy? 3 steps to help you figure it out...and get there!" 3/28/13) but couldn't connect to it. It's not that it didn't make sense to you, but you just needed something more.  In your contemplation stage, you realized that you needed a complete overhaul; that you literally were not satisfied with any aspect of your life. Personally, you feel fat and out of shape and you're lonely and want to be in a fulfilling relationship. Professionally, you hate your job and feel that your promotion and growth potential is zero. On top of that, when the weekend comes you still don't enjoy yourself because you hate where you live, your friends are boring and you're so overwhelmed with your misery that you don't have the energy or motivation to even try to get out and enjoy yourself. In other words, life has kicked your butt and you are in serious need of a complete life overhaul and if you don't get one you'll never accomplish another thing and might possibly die an early death..... Yeah; it's just that serious. You literally feel like you're drowning in the emptiness and monotony of your life; if you want to call it a life. You have determined all these things, but for some reason, still can't commit to doing something about it. This post is written for the person who needs to make a life change but is paralyzed by fear.

If I have just described you, I am the perfect person to give you advice on how to step out of your current life into the fabulous life that is waiting for you. What qualifies me to do this? Experience. I once felt exactly like that. I felt trapped and stuck in a life that no longer fulfilled me; if in fact it ever had. Many of us are so busy living the lives that society tells us should make us happy that we are totally unaware of what actually makes us happy. Additionally, the same thing that made you happy when you were 23, doesn't automatically continue to make you happy when you're 43. As time goes on, we outgrow people, jobs, cities and states, homes and relationships. This is natural. However we trick ourselves into believing that longevity equates to happiness. For example, if you've lived in the same city for 30 years you should stay there; it's home - familiar. It should make you happy. Or if you've been fortunate to be on the same job (with the same company) for 20 years you should be happy; it's secure. Similarly, and most common, is the idea that if you have been in a relationship for 15 plus years you should stay in it for another 15 if not forever; even if you're no longer happy in it. Why change now?

This type of thinking is so common yet utterly irrational. Think about it. If you're 40 and have been in a relationship with someone for 15 years, does it actually make sense that you should stay with them regardless of whether you are happy and fulfilled? You could very well live to be 80 years old which would mean that you would spend another 40 years in a relationship that doesn't make you happy; and in many cases makes you downright miserable. Does that even make mathematical sense: Sacrifice the next 40 years of your precious life, to ensure that you don't throw away the previous 15? Or keep the same job for 18 more years simply because you have already been there for 20?

Familiarity and security are not always positive forces in our lives. Sometimes a shake up like a change in scenery, jobs and even relationships is just what we need to move to the next level of happiness and success in our lives. In Russell Simmon's book, Super Rich, he concurs. He gives an example of how vital it is to be in a place and space that makes you feel energetic, motivated and enthusiastic about life and its possibilities. He gives an example of a guy that changed his whole outlook and energy by simply moving from one neighborhood in New York City to another. Sometimes it can be that minor. But even if you require something far more significant to change your life, the first step is realizing it, then taking the steps towards living the life you desire.

If all this sounds familiar, it should. It is in essence what I just wrote about in my post from last week. However, I know a few things about people who are too paralyzed with fear to make necessary life changes. First, they need constant encouragement and reinforcement of the things they need to do to make positive changes. Second, they need to hear how you did it. So here, I am reiterating the steps with a few adjustments AND including examples of how I actually did exactly what I am advising you to do.

Step 1: Take inventory of the changes you need to be happy. You might need to change jobs, get counseling ( or even a divorce), put your 25 year old son out, move to another state, lose 20 pounds, cut and dye your hair and/or start your own business. Whatever it is, identify it. When I took inventory, I needed everything! My transformation had actually started a few years earlier before I went full blast. I filed for divorce, choosing my happiness over my reputation as the strong, loyal prison wife. In 2010 when I put myself on the 10 month plan for a complete life makeover, I was ready to go full throttle. I needed to lose weight, quit my job, change careers after 20 years and move to another city and state.

Step 2: Assess your options. Let's not be overly simplistic. I know that an extreme makeover like this takes planning and thought. You can't just quit your job or move and start your own business without figuring out how you're going to finance it; or sell your current home or find a new one etc. The list of loose ends that need tying can be long and seem endless. But it's not endless, and in the end if it leads to your happiness, it's worth it. The key is being smart, strategic, calculating and prepared. For example, if you have determined that you need a life change that involves getting a different job and moving, you have to determine your options. Possible Options:
       a.  Get a professional resume and start applying for jobs, assess how much money you have (401K, savings, things you can sell etc.). Determine if you have equity in your home; is bankruptcy your best option or can you follow a plan to pay your bills off or down within a reasonable amount of time?
       b.  Be prepared to make sacrifices both short term and possibly long term. Sometimes you have to give up something to gain something.

In my case, I decided I needed to simplify my expenses as much as possible to allow me to comfortably make the extreme changes I was planning. I was renting in a high rent area and taking care of three children alone which put me in a financially precarious situation that would make saving or paying off bills in preparation for my move impossible. Not wanting to move with a load of debt suffocating me, I opted to file bankruptcy to give myself a clean start.

Step 3: Now that you know what you want and have assessed your options, create a realistic plan with a timeline. When I say realistic, I don't mean a timid one that you can pussyfoot around with for the next 10 years either. That's called procrastination. Rather, I am referring to an aggressive, proactive plan that takes into consideration the complexities of your unique situation. For example, as a teacher and a mom, I did not want to move to a new state in the middle of the school year so I planned my move for summer. I also knew that I would have more money at that time, because I could take the money they had been deducting to pay me bi-weekly through the summer, as a lump sum if I resigned then. My lease was also up in the summer (July) so it worked out perfectly. So be serious and aggressive, but strategic. Additionally, if part of your plan is something involving emotions, leaving a relationship, putting your adult daughter out etc. keep in mind your emotional capabilities and limitations. Don't set yourself up to fail by planning a course of action that you will not be emotionally capable of fulfilling.

Step 4: Take action! Start doing the things on your plan that have to be done to accomplish your goals. For example, my plan required that I start sending out resumes by February and start looking for apartments in Atlanta by April. I also had to put in my notice to vacate my townhouse by a certain date as well as submit my formal resignation from my teaching position by a certain date. I was in "go hard" mode, so I had previously determined that whether I had found a job in Atlanta by the time these other things had to be done, I was moving anyway. In order to make that type of bold decision however, I had to add up any and all money I would be able to put my hands on. I factored in retirement funds, summer pay, items I could sell etc. and knew I would have enough to pay my rent up front for 6 months as well as have a nice little sum to live off while I waited to get a job. I sold my one and only car [huge sacrifice but I found a place in the city where I could walk to everything], jewelry and the furniture I had in my townhouse that I knew wouldn't fit into the much smaller condo I was moving to in Atlanta. I knew that my living funds would be depleted just about the time I could file my income tax return the following year and get a nice refund to carry me through for a few more months if still necessary at that point. Gutsy? yes. Scary? Definitely! A huge sacrifice? You can't even imagine. But worth it? ABSOLUTELY!

At some point, the main objective of all of our lives has to be happiness. Not the superficial trappings of happiness like money, power or status. Those things don't necessarily equate to true happiness. I am happier than I've ever been before in my new city pursuing my dreams working as a freelance writer. I could be working as an attorney, with all the prestige (and money) that the title carries, or teaching again with job security and my summers off with pay. But I wouldn't be happy. Currently, I have less money than I've had in years but I wake up every morning excited about the possibilities and motivated and energized to pursue them. A change of scenery and taking myself out of a blood sucking career and city that I had outgrown released my spirit and gave me the energy to dream and live again; not just exist.