I'm Not Perfect, But You're Messed Up Too"

If I had a nickel for every time one of my kids gave me the "you ain’t crap shrug," or the "you always disappoint me look," or the "I really wish I had a better mom" dry, silent treatment, I'd be a billionaire. It seems that despite my best and most valiant efforts, I'm always falling short. I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm a good mom by anybody's standards. Well, anybody's but a child who has not yet moved past his selfish, “me-me-me” stage.

I used to take these attacks personally and I would feel so guilty. I knew I was doing a good job, but I would still feel bad that for whatever reason my kids weren't happy. Something I was doing or neglecting to do, was causing them sadness. It killed me. Then one day with the help of my wise cousin, I decided to give myself a break. I am a single parent working hard professionally and emotionally to play the role of both parents. I'm sure I fall short but so do they; they are not perfect kids. There: I said it. (Let it marinate.) Ok……

I’ve received disciplinary calls from school, set punishments for bad report cards, even made a couple trips to the police station. As parents however, we try hard to build our kids up; not focus on their mistakes.  We constantly tell them how great they are, how much we love them, how smart they are etc. We don't focus on the negative sides of their personality: how selfish and ungrateful they can be, how obnoxious and lazy, how insensitive and spoiled and sometimes downright mean. And I’m not saying that we should highlight these things. I definitely think that we should go above and beyond to build them up to be confident, moral people that love and value themselves and others. The question is, “are we going about achieving this purpose in the right way?” By ignoring our kids’ faults and allowing them to highlight all of ours, we contribute to the inherent selfish nature they are born with.
Babies: beautiful, chubby little cherubs that you just want to hug and kiss to pieces; except of course when they are crying endlessly for no reason and keeping you up for the second night straight.  Don’t they realize you have to wake up at 5:30 am for work and it’s already 2:00?? When they drop their pacifier on the floor and start wailing to the tops of their lungs because you don’t take your hands off the steering wheel to get it immediately, don’t they know it’s because you can’t? Of course they don’t. Everybody knows that. They are babies. And babies want everything right now no matter what. They don’t know enough about people or the world around them to understand that they are not the only ones with needs and feelings. As they get older however, their minds can handle this additional information. But do we give it to them? Do we teach them to understand the needs of others? Do we teach them to be non-judgmental, considerate and understanding? Or in our haste and desire to be better parents than our own, do we inadvertently allow them to stay in their selfish “baby stage” well past the time when it’s acceptable or cute? I believe we do. And this is making a generation of selfish people who care only about themselves. We’re grooming our children to be obnoxious little people that only we can love because we have to. But I want to actually like my children; not because they’re mine but because they’re nice, likeable people. How do we do it? Here are some tips for handling imperfect children who expect perfection. 

            The Guilt Trip: Don’t take it.  Do not allow your children to make you feel guilty when you’re doing the best you can. We expect our children to do their best and no matter if their best falls short of our desires, we are forced to accept it and continue loving them.  So why should they get to treat us any differently? My daughter used to rule my life with this manipulative tactic. If I was going out or doing anything other than what she wanted me to do, she would walk around with this huge cloud of attitude wrapped all around her.  It would be a combination of sadness, disappointment and nastiness. Being the loving, sensitive mother that I am, I want my kids to be happy; especially now that I’m so happy. It’s a terrible heavy feeling of guilt to be insanely happy every day and see your kids unhappy. But I had to realize a couple of things to free myself from this dilemma. First, my daughter is not unhappy. Being unhappy is an overall state; and overall she is happy. She has a nice, safe home, friends and everything she needs. Her problem is she is a control freak and wants what she wants, when she wants it no matter who has to be inconvenienced. She’s still in her baby stage. I play into the foolishness by taking her drama seriously and feeling guilty because she’s not “happy,” when in fact, she’s just not happy for that moment. And guess what? That’s ok. You don’t have to be happy every minute of the day; especially when your unhappiness is self-imposed and stems from you acting spoiled, selfish and obnoxious. 

Teach your children to respect your free time:  When you go out; you’re out. Don’t allow them to sabotage your time away from home by calling and worrying you with mundane trivialities that could be addressed upon your return. My daughter was famous or shall I say infamous for doing this to me. I would “stress out” trying to find the perfect sitter for her so I could avoid her tormenting me all night with texts and calls complaining about how bored she was or how badly she wanted to come home. Sometimes I could accomplish this feat but more often I couldn’t. She was only happy at her Godmother’s. If she was anywhere else she raised holy hell; sometimes crying and complaining and at other times just walking around sulking and making everyone around her miserable. When she called, instead of dismissing her tantrums, I fed into them. I asked questions and entertained her complaints. By the 8^th call or text, my mood and night were ruined. Mission accomplished. At some point I realized that being a good mother doesn’t require that I allow my kids to manipulate and control me emotionally. If I go out or away and leave them in a safe, loving environment where they could be happy if they wanted to be, then I’ve done my part. They need to respect my "friend time" the same way I allow them to have fun and enjoy their friends when they’re away.

            Try to be as honest and transparent as appropriate with your children:  Allow them to see you as a human being and not a super hero from the planet “motherhood.” It’s ok to show them that your feelings get hurt, that you’re overwhelmed and sometimes confused. Let them know that you don’t always have the right answers but that you love them and try your hardest to do what’s best for everyone. Also let them know that you have needs, interests and desires outside of them. Yes, they are a priority but they are not your only priority. I know that most of us learned to protect our kids from the ugly truth and to shelter them from the difficult situations that arise in our lives in an effort to keep them from worrying. But I have found this to be more detrimental than helpful to all involved. First of all, children are stronger and more resilient than you think. They can handle change, tough situations and disappointment better than we think. If all they see is faux perfection, how will they learn to handle disappointment and reality? Secondly, they respect honesty much more than they do lies and facades. In fact, down the road when the truth comes out, and it always does, they often feel upset and betrayed by our dishonesty. 

          Let your children know that there are limits to how far you will go to accommodate their wants:  In our modern society that teaches “rush, do more, stay busy and never take a break” mania as a way of life, our children are constantly involved in activities. Rest and down time has played out. If you’re 40 plus, surely you remember as a kid having whole days and weeks where you didn’t have shit to do but breathe; nowhere to go, no people to see, no trips to take, no play dates….. (speaking of play dates, who came up with that term? I hate it!) We were bored much of the time and no one spent part of the rent money to take us to Dave & Busters to relieve us of this strange disease called Boredom which suddenly leads to insomnia, weight gain, death and other undesirables. And guess what? We didn’t die! In fact, a little thing called “creativity” was birthed in us, and we invented amazingly fun games and activities to occupy our time and energy. I had a ball playing “freeze tag,” “old lady,” and “Little House on the Prairie.” But this was back during the time, that it was ok to be bored. It was during the time when children still knew how to be tolerant and patient and understood that their insignificant whims were less important than the daily tasks and responsibilities that grown-ups faced.

          Now fast forward to the present: how many times have you nearly broken your neck trying to get your kids to soccer practice, chess club, a friend’s house for pizza….. at the expense of work, the legal speed limit, and your sanity? If you’re like most parents, a million times at least. We miss things that are important to us and run ourselves ragged making sure that our kids get here, there and everywhere. We don’t receive nor expect special thanks for this. But I think we should expect special thanks because often children take these efforts for granted. Basketball practice is not a requirement unless you play for the Lakers. It is not worth a speeding ticket or the stress we incur to get them there every time. But they come to expect this type of “cracked out” mania every time. The first time you can’t make it, they’re visibly upset. You get that “you aint crap shrug” and that “you’re always disappointing me” look that tugs at our heartstrings and triggers our feelings of guilt and inadequacy. But what it really should trigger is a good “cussing out.” When our kids work really hard on a project at school but bring home only a “C,” we console them and tell them “it’s ok because you tried your best, blah, blah, blah…..” We say and do everything we can to make them feel better. But what if we gave them the same “you aint crap shrug” and “you always disappoint me look” that they give us? We would be crowned “world’s worst parents.” But what’s the difference? Shouldn’t they be crowned “world’s worst kids” for being insensitive? Children aren’t born being sensitive and considerate. They learn it from us. The best way to teach it is to require it in their dealings with us since their relationship with us is their first significant one. If we break our necks getting them to every frivolous activity at the expense of life and limb, how will they gain a sensitivity and appreciation for other people’s time and efforts?  Giving in to their whims, allowing them to throw tantrums and exercise insensitivity and stubbornness whenever we fall short in their eyes, is encouraging them to be horrible adults.

            Discourage at all costs the development of a sense of entitlement and superiority: Your children are not entitled to any more of anything than you are. They are not superior to you nor are their wants and feelings superior to yours. They don’t deserve more patience, tolerance, love, understanding, and gratitude than you or any other person in the world. When they are hurt, disappointed, sad or tired, the negative feeling is no more intense for them than it is for you. You are both human and as such have some of the same needs and desires. Teach them this early! The world does not revolve around any one person: including them!! Let them know that you are not perfect but you love them dearly and are committed to doing your best for them. Tell them that you need unconditional love, patience, and sensitivity from them. In return, you will give them the same. If the time comes that you need to remind them that they are imperfect and bring disappointment to you sometimes as well, do it. Teach them that throwing stones opens them to being hit with a couple themselves. 

        At the end of the day, I do the best I can for my family; and my best is pretty damn good. I now realize that taking care of them doesn’t have to come at the expense of me.  This realization has been liberating. My children are definitely a priority, but so am I.  I have learned that their whims and selfishness are things to be discouraged and ignored; not encouraged and fed into.  The bottom line here is when you know and respect who you are as a parent, you can be comfortable in your decisions and how you handle your children. I know how much I love them, and how concerned I am for their well-being and happiness. So when the mother they try to portray me as, is in total contradiction with the mother that I know I am, I trust myself.  My kids are great kids; as are yours I’m sure. They have the capacity to be understanding and sensitive if we give them the opportunity to exercise it. It really is up to parents to turn our crying, selfish babies into caring, sensitive adults. 

The Fine Art of Being Selfish

Imagine this: you wake up when you feel like waking up; not when you have to. Later, you go have breakfast on a breezy patio and then off to enjoy a mani / pedi and an afternoon movie. What movie do you see: Any “F'ing” thing you want to because today you have no one to consider but yourself! If this sounds glorious and inconceivable all at the same time, you may be in need of some serious "me" time. This is doubly true if you are a woman and quadrupally true if you’re a mom. The problem is “me” time or any phrase or sentence with the word “me” in it, has become synonymous with selfish in the minds of women. And in a woman’s mind, there is no characteristic worse than selfishness. We are raised from birth to nurture and care for everybody; starting with our baby dolls on up to our boyfriends and finally our husbands and kids.  

It is this upbringing and socialization that makes “selfish” a bad word for women but fine for everybody else. Society accepts the fact that men are selfish at times and kids are selfish - period. But if a woman is EVER selfish, she's a bad mom and less than "wife material." We all need some “self” time every now and then, however women consistently cut themselves short in this area making the quest for the title of “SuperMom” and “SuperWoman” top priority. What they don't realize is over time, these titles in all their splendor and beauty, often morph into bitterness, burn out and bad health.

For women, even our vacations aren’t the relaxing breaks from “real life” that they are intended to be. I can remember several "vacations" that I went on with my family that felt nothing like a break. That's because for me they weren't. All the preparation (packing etc) was on me. Then once we got there, I felt more like the nanny who was hired to watch the kids to make sure the parent could have fun. My ex-husband probably thought he had done a fantastic deed by paying for the vacation, when in fact I was miserable.  I had 4 children (2 babies under the age of 2) and 2 older kids.  No one cared if I ate in peace, rode a ride, got any sleep...my schedule barely changed from what it was at home. The only change was the location; work was the same. I remember being especially miserable in Disney World; standing around with my 2 babies (ages 4 months and 2 years) fanning and spraying them so they wouldn't have strokes, while the husband and older kids got on every ride in the park. Never did anyone ask if there was something I wanted to do.  I remember complaining on the phone for hours to my best friend as I sat in the park perspiring more than I thought was humanly possible. How was it possible to be this miserable on vacation?

But had I understood then the fine art of being selfish, not only vacations, but my whole life as a wife and mother, would have played out differently. First of all, family vacation means just that: it’s a vacation for the family; the whole family including mom. So the same way my expectations for the kids and hubby are relaxed since we're on vacation, their expectations of me should’ve been relaxed. But they weren't. I was still expected to solely administer baths, comb hair, get kids dressed, keep accommodations neat etc. Tired yet? I left most family vacations exhausted, bitter, and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to kill the whole family.  What did I learn about taking care of me and what did I do to put it into action? I learned that being selfish is a fine art. Now I’m a master at it. Let me teach you.

1.    Win the fight with GUILT. It’s ok to put you first. Emergency and priority situations barred, you should consider yourself first. This sounds selfish but in fact it’s just human nature mixed with a little common sense. I have often felt guilty when I did things that I wanted to do that did not include my children. Afterwards, I would come home and over compensate for the fact that I went out to lunch (or wherever) without them. I have no idea why I felt that was necessary. I took them out regularly and dedicated the majority of my time to taking care of them and meeting their needs. But somewhere along the way, I adopted this attitude that I wasn’t worthy of spending time doing things that were solely for me. I needed that time to reconnect with the “me” that so often got shoved in a corner so that I could take care of others. When you take a vacation, buy yourself something, or say "no" to a request that is too difficult to accommodate, do not beat yourself up with feelings of guilt. This defeats the purpose and ruins the satisfaction that doing something nice for yourself is supposed to bring. If the people around you try to make you feel guilty, shut them down as well. As horrible as it sounds, your kids, husbands, friends and co-workers don’t always have your best interests at heart. They have theirs; that’s human nature. When you start treating yourself well, the people who have been draining you will resist because they see their “good thing” coming to an end. Don’t feed into it. Be secure in your decision to make yourself a priority.  Don’t be afraid that doing this will result in you short changing your family, job or other obligations, Love, concern and a sense of responsibility will be your safe guards against neglect.

      2. Love yourself and the things you value as much as you love others. We make our kids, husbands and their activities top priority. We'll risk life, liberty and limb to get our kids to their stuff: soccer practice, a friend’s house for a sleepover etc. If our husband needs us to attend an event, we'll drag ourselves there despite how we feel. But things that we value: girls night out, lunch or shopping with friends, Zumba class....we postpone or miss for any reason. Everything and Anything trumps it. Little league basketball practice would trump taking our best friend out for dinner on her 40th bday. Seriously? That little rug rat doesn't play for the Knicks! He can miss 1 practice for a special event. Guess what? He can even miss if you're just tired or don't want to drive in a torrential downpour. It’s cool; really. Teach your family that though they are a priority, they are not the only priority. Your activities and feelings count too. This is not bad mothering or neglectful behavior. It’s actually responsible parenting because you're teaching them to be considerate and sensitive.

      3. Finally, redefine selfishness. Selfish is defined as “caring only for oneself.” Thus it has a negative denotation and connotation; and rightfully so. Who wants to care only for themselves?  Sounds terribly lonely and boring and that’s not at all what I am advocating. I get a great deal of joy from loving, nurturing and taking care of my family and loved ones as do most women. I just want you to adjust the definition to make it a “good thing” for you to care for yourself too and not something that brings guilt or feelings of inadequacy. I was never at risk of only caring for me; I was at risk of not caring for me at all. Love, nurture, value, respect and support yourself the same way you do others. It only makes you better inside and out.  
        So I conclude that it’s better to be honest with yourself as a woman that you are a mere mortal, than to try fiercely to hold on to the title of SuperMom because she doesn’t exist.  If it means that much to you, have your family engrave it on your tombstone: "Here lies the most selfless woman in the Universe: Super Mom." Maybe it won't matter to you that you often felt used, under-appreciated, tired, stressed and neglected. Maybe you'll wear your shabby appearance, obvious lack of attention to yourself, and high blood pressure as a badge of honor. Maybe you'll feel that you lived up to your ideals of motherhood and womanhood by allowing yourself to be everyone's door mat. But me, I've learned. And I'm fine with having a tombstone that reads: "This bitch flipped the script and “did her” for a Change."

The First Half Decisions

THE FIRST HALF DECISIONS:

          Although this blog is not an on-line diary, I thought it would be important for me to provide a foundation for the insight and perspectives I’ve developed from the first half of my journey to the second half. The way I think, my expectations, and what I’m willing to accept has changed tremendously in the last 20 years and even more significantly in the last 5. Those changes are a result of my first half experiences; the mistakes made and the lessons learned. Many of my readers will identify with my first half thought processes and may feel a lot of the frustrations that I felt in my second half which is exactly why I wanted to write this blog. I have sooooo much to say about doing WHATEVER it takes to give yourself a fair chance at happiness after 40. So bear with me as I set the foundation for what I feel is a life changing shift in thought, attitude and expectations for all of us who find ourselves at an unexpected, unsettling crossroad after 40.

         

The CAREER decision

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher, a lawyer and an actress. I wanted to be a teacher because I loved school and really admired three of my teachers; specifically my 5^th grade teacher Miss Fonville, my 7^th grade teacher Mrs. Becton, and my 12^th grade teacher Mrs. Talton.  I thought they were smart, organized and creative. They made teaching seem fun and rewarding. 

I wanted to be a lawyer because I grew up hearing my family say what a fantastic lawyer I would be. I was a very precocious little girl and had communication skills and intellect beyond my years. My ability to articulate, analyze and persuade were uncanny.  Besides, African American families dream about one of their children growing up to practice law. It’s a respectable career in our community, as is teaching. They are both stable careers and one of them is financially lucrative; you guess which one.

I eventually became both: a teacher and a lawyer. But if I had my choice, (free of outside influences to pursue a stable career with good pay and benefits) I would have pursued acting.

I LOVED acting. I performed in several major theatrical productions from age 10 to 15. With no adult assistance, I found a local theater, showed up for auditions and won roles in several plays over that period of time. No one in my family ever came to see me perform so they were unaware of my talents. But I’m positive that wouldn’t have mattered. I know I would have still been encouraged to go the safe route. And so I did.

The LOCATION decision

I did everything right....or so I believed. After high school, I went to college, graduated and moved from my home of North Carolina to the new and unfamiliar: Maryland.  Prince Georges County Public Schools offered me a teaching position and with no other prospects, I felt I had no other choice but to take it.  After all, my mother had died the year before so I no longer had a "home" to return to. And even more important was my firm resolve not to be one of the many college graduates I saw that worked menial jobs outside their majors for several years too many while waiting to get their "real" job. Throughout my senior year, I held a part time job as a cashier at K-Mart and was determined not to let that quietly convert into my full time job. So even though I had no family or friends there, I took the job in Maryland.

The LOVE Decision

          I moved to Maryland in 1991 and by February of 1996 I was married with a 3 year old son from a previous relationship.  I was very much in love and happy according to the ideals and standards I had for relationships at that time. We were husband and wife; not friends. He loved me; he took care of me and protected me as good husbands do. But he didn’t confide in me and laugh with me as good friends do.

          I was a different woman then. I put my husband and family’s needs over my own. I was Super Woman and there was nothing I couldn’t handle…..even when I couldn’t handle anything. Everyone admired my strength.  My seeming invincibility made people feel comfortable ignoring my dire situations and needs at the times in my life when I was going through hell. It even gave them the audacity to ask me to give more and do more. Finally, I reached a breaking point: It was “me” or “them.”  I finally chose “me.” The “them” is metaphorical; more figurative than literal. “Them” was sometimes work, situations or societal expectations. Sometimes it was actual people – my husband, kids, church family or “real” family.  All I know is that I felt like I was drowning trying to “hold it down” for everyone except me and knew I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t give myself permission to be “human.” Whether being human meant to be weak, to disappoint, to fall short, to say “no” or “I can’t,” my very survival depended on me allowing myself to walk into it. So I did. And even though I lost a few relationships and some things, I gained more. I saved my life and gained a new and valuable perspective on many significant things that in the precious “second half” will serve me well and help me to be happy. And this is where I am now: Profoundly, unequivocally happy and fulfilled; finally living the life I want. Everything I write in this blog hereafter comes from this place of peace where I find myself now. I have not accomplished MOST of the things in my career and other areas that I have set as goals, but I have accomplished the most important. And that is - I now have the courage, faith in God, and faith in myself to actively seek the life I want and this makes me insanely happy! I have ventured outside my safety zone and the societal expectations and constraints that I had unwittingly held myself hostage to. I still have some ways to go but I am enjoying the journey…….finally!!