Dating?? Remember This:

1. Have standards and stick to them: The world will make you think that you need to "go with the flow" or "relax." Don't believe it. You need to know what you want in a man and in a relationship regardless of societal trends. Not into "casual sex" or "friends with benefits" status? Then don't pretend to be! If you require a man to court and woo you, don't worry about whether it's old fashioned or if you're missing out on potential dates. Along the way, you will meet men who can't "rock with" what you want, but if you stick to your standards, you'll be available when you cross paths with the man who will. 

2. Be yourself: Sounds simple but many women feel the need to change who they are, what they like, and what they want in order to have someone to date. If you like to drink beer rather than champagne and enjoy the way profanity feels on your tongue, don't front. Everyone deserves to know exactly who and what they're getting. So, there's no reason to present an ultra feminine fake to your potential boo if you're really a little "hood." As stated before, when you meet Mr. "Right for You" he'll love and appreciate your quirks, idiosyncrasies and even your foul mouth; mine does!

3. Don't be desperate: You don't have to like every guy who likes you. Just because you finally met someone who calls you regularly and wants to spend a Saturday afternoon with you, you don't have to make him into your boyfriend. If you genuinely like him, can be yourself and don't have to waiver in your standards then, "yaaaay;" he might be the one. But if you find yourself overlooking significant things and talking yourself into why you should like him, you might be trying to choose him, just because he chose you. 

4. Continue to cultivate your female friendships: Don't forget about your girls just because you now have a potential boyfriend. Men don't stop watching Monday Night Football with their boys at Dantanna's just because they met a girl. They continue to do the things they always have and simply merge their new interest in with the old ones. The new guy you're dating should enhance your social life, not replace it. 

5. Don't search for superficial things: If you're over 35 and still looking for a man or woman your age with ripped abs, a tight, 22 year old ass and a waist the size of Scarlett Ohara's, please don't complain when you remain single......forever. Or worse yet, get a partner that has the character and morals of Satan. But remember: you weren't looking for character; you were looking for a flat stomach and round booty. Of course, we'd all love to have a physically perfect partner and I'm not advocating selecting a partner that makes you throw up in your mouth every time you look at him/her. But if you meet someone who has taken good care of themselves and can still fit in an airplane seat, give them a chance to show you the things about them that really matter. The reality is that most men and women over 35 have had children, stopped pumping iron in the gym for 3 hours daily due to careers and family, and therefore, don't still have the abs and pecs they had at 20. It's science. And for God's sake, if you're fat yourself, you really need to stop it.

6. Be the type of partner you would like to have: It's selfish and ridiculous to expect from a partner that which you yourself don't even have or give. This goes back to what I just said about looks and even beyond. If you're not attentive and generous, don't expect to get someone who is. If you're not rich, don't have a requirement that you only date wealthy men (or women)............... What was that? Birds chirping? It suddenly got really quiet in here. Again, we would all love to meet, fall in love and ride off into the sunset with a wealthy partner. But, don't dismiss every potential partner who's not. Especially if you're not. The amount of money a person makes today, is not the amount of money they have the potential to make tomorrow. Nor does it determine their character and how well they will treat you in a relationship. You better ask Tina about Ike......Enough said. 

Enjoying the Space You're In: 3 Ways to Celebrate Your Current Status

One of the cruelties of life is that people always want whatever they don’t have. Skinny girls want curves and curvy girls starve themselves to be skinny; married people crave the freedom and autonomy they had when they were single and single people pray nightly for someone to answer to and inhibit their freedom. Teens long to be adults and adults wish they could be teens again. “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” However, we all know that this saying is really a sarcastic way of acknowledging that it’s probably never greener but when you don’t have it, it will always seem mighty tantalizing over there. So why do we spend so much of our time coveting things, people, lifestyles and circumstances that we don’t have? There’s probably no scientific answer to this question but my very unscientific one is that it’s probably due to that little monster of personal sabotage that lives within each of us. But instead of letting this little monster succeed in making you miserable, try embracing and celebrating your current status. Here’s how!

ONE:        Take stock of all the good things that characterize your life: “AS IS.”

TWO:       Tear down the fantasy of how great the other side is.

THREE:   Don’t let society dictate to you what defines beauty, fulfillment or happiness.    Create and embrace the unique standards of beauty and happiness that work for you.

I Want Children: The first thing you have to understand is that both sides of the fence have desirables and undesirables. Single people who desperately want children have just dropped their jaws to the floor wondering how a couple with 2 angelic children and a dog could possibly have a moment where they don’t experience almost orgasmic joy in the midst of having it all. Well, I’ll tell you. First, those 2 beings that you labeled angelic are anything but angels 80% of the time; and those “great” Saturdays spent shuffling the “angels” to soccer games, ballet class and to the mall for new sneakers is anything but “great” to the exhausted couple who would love to just experience the joy of sleeping late one Saturday before the eternal slumber of death. They WISH they could lie in bed until they feel like getting up and then have one whole day that involved only things that they wanted to do. The thought of having a 20 minute phone conversation without interruptions from a child who wants a snack…….NOW is heavenly. Meeting a friend for impromptu drinks after work sounds divine, but anything impromptu is out of the question because having kids is the most restrictive existence outside of actual incarceration that exists in the free world. In order for the average working mom to meet a friend out for unplanned drinks after work, she has to arrange for someone to pick the kids up from school, help them with their homework, make them dinner, ensure they get bathed and in bed on time…. Not to mention, sign permission slips for tomorrow’s field trip and pack lunch etc. etc. etc. It never ends; and this is just one day. So, am I saying that you should change your whole life plan and schedule Vasectomies and Tubal Ligations A.S.A.P.? No; I’m not. What I am advising however, is take the time to enjoy your childless status and the delicious freedoms that come with it. Relish it. Then, when your status changes to mommy or daddy, you’ll enjoy it even more.  

I Want a Spouse/Significant Other: If we could throw together some great physical, mental and emotional characteristics, blend them in a bowl then bake on 350 for an hour and have our soul mate, we’d all be in the kitchen right now. But since we can’t, why waste time stressing over “when” and “if” he or she is going to materialize? Contrary to the information touted by so many articles and books written to mainly women audiences, changing your hair, losing 10 pounds, and playing “dating mind games” is not going to cosmically bring you in contact with the person destined to be your soul mate. So instead of wasting time making so called “improvements” and adjustments to yourself in hopes of catching Prince or Princess Charming, use this time to enjoy “You” and to improve yourself simply for the benefit it brings to you as a person. As a woman who has experienced marriage, divorce and is now a partner in a committed relationship, I have a clear and well-rounded perspective of relationships. I know that marriage can be wonderful but it is not the total bliss that desperate singles imagine it to be. Even when you are in an amazing relationship like the one I’m in now, there are still times when you miss the autonomy and freedom of being single. As much as you love the sense of belonging to someone who adores you, you have moments when you miss belonging only to yourself; the days when you could make major decisions without considering or consulting anyone. When you are in a relationship you end up sharing everything: your body, space, heart, time…..life. And sometimes, you wish everything could just be about you. You wish you had the freedom to quit your job and pack up and move to Miami because it was one of your college dreams to live near the beach and operate a burrito truck. Well, if you’re married or even in a committed relationship, you could never make a quirky decision like that without consulting him or her. And when you do, how likely is it that the answer will be: “Let’s go!” If you have kids: no consultation necessary. It just “aint” happening!

I Want to Be Skinny: Body image is huge in this country; maybe even the world. Trust me, I know because I spend 15% of everyday looking in the mirror and criticizing what I see. At one time, the trend was to be as hip-less, butt-less, thin and waif-like as humanly possible. We starved ourselves to be that. Now the trend is to be booty-licious thanks to pop icons like J-Lo and Beyonce. But…..or should I say, Butt……you can’t just have a curvy rear end because that would be easy for some of us. You have to have a curvy butt and hips, BUT a waist made for ultra-tiny waifs from times past. The combination is almost unnatural. So what do we do? We get butt injections, implants, liposuction and other procedures that a natural girl like me has never heard of. They even make butt pads which look ridiculous, may I add. I’ve had my biggest laughs looking at some skinny girl in the club who looks like she has two loaves of wheat bread in her pants. The skinny thighs and huge butt is a dead give-away. And if you have an ample figure all over, forget it. The world has no place for you. But instead of riding the rollercoaster of society’s beauty trends that are here today and gone tomorrow, develop your own sense of what looks good for YOU. I have always had a small top and curvy bottom; way before the mainstream thought it looked good. I didn’t try to get the fat sucked out my butt; I just wore clothes that made me feel and look good to ME. Now it’s in style, but next year - who knows? Now and then I see a small, petite girl and wish I looked like that but I immediately shoo that thought away. I make my main objective to be healthy and work with what I have. The huge boobs you hate, your short 4’11” frame, round hips, thick lips, big butt, small butt and the list goes on, is the envy of someone somewhere. Not only that, it is a huge turn-on to someone as well.

Food for Thought: Believe it or not, there are just as many married people who wish they were single as there are singles who want to be married.  There are moms and dads with children who wish they didn’t have that huge emotional, physical and financial responsibility. And yes, while curvy girls are saving to have their big butts, thighs and hips suctioned away, skinny girls are saving for injections to have theirs enhanced. I am a proponent of doing what you need to be happy; but only if it’s truly what YOU need, and not what the world tells you that you need. Only You know the answer to that. To illustrate this, again I must allude to the Bible of Life: “Sex and The City;” this time the movie (part two). Carrie and Big made two extremely non-traditional decisions that worked for them. First, they decided to never have children. Although a happily married couple, they decided that children just didn’t fit into their lifestyle as a dual career, social, NYC couple. They even had rings engraved to commemorate the decision: “me and you; just us two.” Second, they decided to retain Carrie’s old apartment so that once or twice a week, one or the other could go over there to have privacy and space. He wanted to lay in bed and watch TV which irked her and she needed the time away to feel like herself again so she could write. They had both been single for a long time and found that though madly in love, they still needed a little space from time to time. Her friends thought it strange at first, which made her insecure, but in the end, they ended up using the apartment themselves when they needed a little R&R away from their own hubbies and homes.

But it’s not about what friends think: it’s about you. So if you’re married and feeling restricted and unhappy, talk to your spouse about what you need; if it’s a little non-traditional, so what?  If you’re a mom and starting to hate your children, verbalize it. Then get the support you need to get away and have the alone time necessary for you to recharge and enjoy motherhood again. There are no “right or wrong" decisions; just “right or wrong” decisions for YOU.

A happy couple starting a family

Single girls having fun