Get Your Mind Right

           It’s really easy to lose sight of how little control we actually have over some aspects of life. It’s not until that "thing" happens that rocks our world that we understand that despite our best efforts, shit happens. If you can grasp this concept, it helps you keep your mind right even when you’re in a storm. Getting your mind right refers to adapting an attitude and way of thinking that transcends circumstances and situations. “Control what you can control.” Many times, circumstances and situations arise that are outside of our control; the only thing we can control all the time is how we handle these situations. If your mind is right, you can take the worst situation and not just overcome it; but triumph.

           I went through a really rough time once. It was literally a situation where I went to bed on top of the world, and awoke with the world on top of me.  I felt miserable and hopeless and there seemed to be no end in sight. I remember wishing for death. To the world however, I seemed strong because I never stopped; I kept pushing forward living life as if nothing had changed. It wasn't until later that I realized I don’t know how to give up. I honestly thought I had no choice but to keep getting up every morning, going to work, taking care of my children and my newly incarcerated husband...after all, I kept waking up alive.

          Much later someone explained to me the fallacy in my thinking. They pointed out that you do have a choice and sadly, many people don’t make it through. There's actually such a thing as giving up without dying. They opt to stay in bed; can't face another day. It even has a name: mental breakdown. That’s when I realized I had actually done something pretty amazing.  I did have a choice: to fight or give up. I CHOSE to fight. I WAS strong. The thing is, I never learned how to give up; only to fight and make it happen - one way or another. So my first point is:

          1. Never learn how to give up.  Don’t teach it to your kids either. There are some basic things we have to have in life and you have to do what you have to do to make sure that you are able to provide those necessities for yourself and your family; by any means necessary.  Menial jobs that are beneath your experience and credentials, temporary public assistance ... These things don’t define you or your worth. They are temporary means to an end. Don’t focus on them or your current situation. Instead, focus on your plan: what you’re doing to put your current situation behind you. 

          2. Don't put your fate into anybody else’s hands. Take charge of your own life and destiny. Do everything you can do for yourself. My son is an aspiring musician currently trying to break into the hip hop industry. He moved to Atlanta specifically for this reason. He has had some small successes but lacks the financial resources to really do what he needs to do. As a result, he’s always in a perpetual state of waiting on someone to do something for him: this person is going to take him into the studio, this guy is supposed to introduce him to that guy who’s in the industry; this girl is supposed to take pictures for his photo shoot or video shoot….. Forget all that! Do everything you can do for yourself. Maybe it won’t be the caliber or quality that you desire. But it’s something. You can be waiting for years to have the $5,000.00 it takes for professional pictures or to shoot a really elaborate video. Meantime, you’re at a standstill; feeling bad, losing motivation and wasting the most precious of all commodities: time. The internet is your friend; iPhone cameras and video recorders are your friends. Use them! Remember, Justin Bieber was discovered on YouTube sitting in his living room singing and playing a guitar.

          3. Keep failures and disappointments in perspective; stay positive. Remember: you don’t have cancer. I say this all the time because I watched my dad die of cancer and that was the most helpless situation I have ever been in. You feel helpless and hopeless. I could do nothing for him, the best Doctors at Duke could do nothing for him, and he could do nothing for himself. He probably wished at that time that his biggest problem was one of the problems I have now. I’m sure he would have preferred being homeless than lying in that bed wasting away waiting for death to claim him. So, If it’s not cancer, you have hope. And even if it is cancer, a positive attitude can bring healing sometimes and if nothing more, peace and calm to you and your family as you help each other cope with the inevitable.

          4. Look at every situation from this perspective: what’s the worst that could happen? Often the worse thing is still something that leaves us with a heartbeat. And a heartbeat means there's still hope. One day my son was having a horrible day. You know, one of those ones that greets you as soon as you wake up. He knew he was going to be late for work due to a curve ball that this dreadful day had thrown first thing in the morning and he knew his supervisor was going to go ballistic because that’s her style. I looked at him and he looked so defeated. I gave him what I believe to be some great advice. I told him, "yes, she is probably going to go ape shit, but you are late so you can’t say too much to that. However, at the end of the day, after all her ranting what is the worst thing that can happen? She can fire you……that’s it.  And the beautiful thing about that is - it’s a dreadful job with low pay that you should have quit already anyway. You will still have a place to live and food to eat." Losing your job might not be as inconsequential to your survival as it was for my son because the “worst thing that can happen is subjective and therefore different for all of us.  But look at it this way: even when the worst thing that could happen happens (death, unemployment, divorce) if you’re still breathing, there's still hope.  My dad died suddenly of cancer; worst thing that could happen. It was painful and rapidly degenerative. But in the midst of all the ugly, was beauty. I got to know him in a way I never had before and WOULD never have but for his illness. We had never before taken that time that we were forced to take once he got ill.

           5. Nothing is the end of the world; except the end of the world. This one goes hand in hand with the last 2. I think I’m stressing this one to the point of being redundant, because it’s so important to keeping your mind right. What makes our minds “wrong” and disillusioned, is giving so much significance and power to the problems that life brings us. People commit suicide over things that could and would work themselves out in a matter of time (sometimes as short as weeks later) if they would give time the chance to do what it does best. That is such a sad waste.

          6. Remember what’s important: good health, family, love. Those of us who are healthy and loved by our family and friends take these precious gifts for granted. Your health gives you the capacity and the ability to build the life that you want. You may not have it now, but if you have good health, the only thing standing between you and that life is how much effort you’re willing to put into making it happen. The person lying in bed dying of cancer no longer has the option to fix his life. He can use the down time to be introspective and figure out some things for the future, but he will never have the chance to bring it to fruition. Family and friends who love you are priceless. The support and love that we get from them cannot be bought and should be valued. But often, we take it for granted. If you are in a loving relationship or have great kids, extended family, sisters or brothers, parents etc. you are blessed and have half of everything you need in life to be happy. Look at the wonderful things that you have right in front of your face instead of looking THROUGH those assets in search of the problems. 

7. The glass really is half full. Any negative situation can be turned into a positive if your mind is right. If you apply for a job that you really want but don't get it, the glass is still half full. Examine your resume with a critical eye, then look for ways to improve it. If you had an interview and didn't get it, critique your interview style and technique. Were you positive and responsive to the questions asked? Were you knowledgeable of the company's objectives? Were you professionally dressed and articulate? Use this rejection as a way of assessing and improving your interview style. Finally, look at it like this: sometimes not getting one job means there is a better job for you. I firmly believe that if you are prepared and position yourself to take advantage of opportunities, you will get what's meant for you. Keep striving.

          8. Keep that friend close who tells you like it is. Honesty is your friend. No sense in being positive if your positive thinking is based on a lie. For example, we all have friends who constantly complain about their jobs, marriage or relationship, body image etc., yet never do anything to make it better. If you think you’re overweight but won’t change your eating habits or exercise, you are contributing to something that is making you unhappy. Worse yet, if you are compounding the problem by dressing in such a way that emphasizes your girth rather than plays it down, you’re making it worse. This is where the good friend that shoots it to you straight comes in. He or she will tell you to do something about your weight if it makes you unhappy and in the meantime, stop dressing like a size 6 if you’re a size 14.  They will also tell you when you’re complaining about things on your job that you cause, or a relationship that you long outgrew etc.  Hearing this “straight no chaser” information is sometimes exactly what we need to make positive changes in our lives.

          I know the advice I am offering is easier said than done but when your very survival depends upon it, it’s easier done too. That age old saying holds a lot of truth but it can also be used as a crutch and an excuse. When you are trying to move forward in life, keep your sanity and find happiness and fulfillment, philosophical crutches and excuses are luxuries you cannot afford. Read books about people who have overcome or who have successfully tackled the field you’re in or the obstacles you face. Learn from their struggles and mistakes, get hope from the fact that they made some of the same mistakes you did, felt miserable sometimes etc. but in the end they made it. You are not alone in your struggles. Others have had the same and somehow figured it out. You will too if you keep your mind right.

What's Your Handicap?

          I LOVE GOLF.  There’s a lot that I still don’t understand about the fundamentals and rules of the game, but I like watching it on television and I LOVE accompanying my boyfriend when he goes to play. There's no place more beautiful and serene than a well-manicured golf course. But I'm not referring to golf in that question. I'm asking you to uncover and define that thing that keeps you from realizing your full potential or keeps you stuck and unable to move to the next level. The thing that keeps you handicapped. Is it a thought, a habit, a past decision or an attitude?  How do you unearth it? And even more importantly, once discovered, how do you fix it? The total solution depends on the specifics and nature of the problem, however at least 70% of the solution is just realizing you have a handicap and defining what it is.
          1. The unrealized fantasy: Did you lose a parent, a spouse or an opportunity at some point? Did that loss cause a massive shake up or shift in your life and circumstances? If so, you're not alone. These things are inevitable. But it’s how you deal with them that can set you apart. The unrealized fantasy is that thing that happened to you that you now blame for all your current problems. If "__" wouldn't have happened, my life would be so great.” My son lost the only father he knew when my ex-husband went to prison and later stopped communicating with him altogether. I will call him Mr. X. Mr. X met my son when he was only a year old and took him on as his son from age 1 to age 15.  My son looked up to him and respected him tremendously. He grew up watching Mr. X take care of his trucking business and our family and felt he would have his love and support forever. Unfortunately, after our relationship as husband and wife hit the rocks, Mr. X no longer wanted a relationship with my son either. It crushed my son and to this day, it affects his outlook and self-esteem. He feels that his life would be different and so much better if Mr. X was still in it. He saw him as a strong and powerful person who knew how to make things happen and who would have easily supplied him with the tools and support to become anything he wanted to be; which at age 20 is to be a writer and artist in the music industry. While this may or may not be true, focusing on it is an exercise in futility and an unworthy focus of time and energy. Advice: give yourself a reasonable amount of time to grieve. I'm not trying to diminish your pain. Seek help from friends or professionals if necessary. But at the end of the day, don’t give unmerited importance and power to that person or situation that robbed you of a sense of security. So you lost a parent at a young age, your husband left you or you missed a chance to go to college because your family couldn’t afford to send you. Maybe your life would’ve been better absent those circumstances; maybe it wouldn't have. You really don't know. But whether it would have or not is not a worthy focus of energy because you cannot recapture it. A much more worthy use of your time and energy is developing a plan to overcome. You can’t afford to give this type of crippling power to anyone or anything. People overcome extraordinary circumstances that would blow your mind every day. It’s much easier to blame that situation or person for your failure than to look within yourself and determine what you are doing to contribute. Life happens to everyone. How we deal with it is what separates us.
          2. Making bad decisions; repeatedly: Hindsight is 20/20; it’s true. On the front end, we don’t always have all the necessary information and insight to make the best decisions. However, some of us make a habit of making poor decisions that not only cause us pain but the people around us as well. If you are a woman who repeatedly picks the wrong man, or a husband who constantly cheats on his wife, gets caught, repents and then starts the whole cycle again, you may be a chronic bad decision maker. Repeatedly making poor choices that hurt you and the people involved with you is a handicap. It is something that keeps you stuck in a particular pattern or cycle of negativity and stunts your growth. Depending on the circumstances, this type of mental recklessness can also be very damaging to the people around you. In the example of the repeat cheater, not only is he destroying the relationship that he obviously wants to stay in, but he is destroying his wife’s self-esteem, sense of security and ability to trust. Women who consistently hook up with the wrong men waste crazy time putting up with crap and heartache while trying to mold him into the type of guy they want. Why not just try to find that guy from the start? Being in a bad relationship is especially crippling for women because we are extremely emotional beings who normally express our pain and frustration by spending countless hours venting to our friends. Venting is how we define and work out our pain. Women can spend 5 hours straight commiserating on our relationship woes. The problem is commiserating wastes a lot of time that we could spend on something that could actually be beneficial. Something like helping each other figure out a business venture to start together. My suggestion here is to take time to do frequent self-evaluations. You’ll have to figure out the most effective way to do it for you. I write in a journal, take a long shower or sometimes call my best friend and start talking from my soul. However you do it, take some time to think and reflect on your life, desires, decisions and plans. Determine what your usual decision making process consists of. Do you get all the facts before you act on things? Do you consider the consequences of your actions before acting? Do you ignore your gut feelings and instincts when making decisions? Do you learn from your mistakes and use that knowledge to guide you in future decisions? Determine your issue and take the necessary steps to break the handicapping effect bad decision making has on your life and happiness.
          3. Negative Attitude; the glass is always half empty: If you think life is tough, unfair, overwhelming and downright miserable sometimes, I concur. Many times we are working hard, being nice to others, saving our money, being responsible and still we fall short. Emergencies come up to wipe out our savings, despite our best efforts at work we get overlooked for the promotion….again, and even though we are nice to our in-laws, they hate us. I know how it goes. But in spite of these negative situations, life is still a beautiful thing overall. If you have good mental and physical health you’re in a great situation to make all your dreams come true. However, if you have a “glass is half empty” mentality, you will find it difficult if not impossible to believe that. The “glass half empty” analogy is brilliant and a remarkably simple and clear way to express one of the most important philosophies in life; the good or the bad of your circumstances depends on your perspective. Think about it. You have a half glass of water. You can decide to view it as being either half empty (negative and defeatist) or half full (positive and optimistic). Your way of looking at it neither adds nor takes away from the actual contents of the glass. But what it does is create an attitude within you that enables you to feel like you are either half way to being satisfied and fulfilled or half way to lack and poverty.  This simple illustration puts the power in your hands; not the world or your current circumstances to determine the contents of your glass.  Do not allow a negative, cynical attitude prevent you from acknowledging the tremendous power that you have over your life and circumstances.   

Parents: Do Not Put the Kids First!

            I know the idea that responsible, loving parents shouldn't put the kids first shocks the conscience.  A good parent, especially a good mom, wouldn't dare to think it; not less say it. But I just did.  Not only did I say it, I wrote it and published it so that "selfish" statement is forever memorialized and linked to my name; a proud and loving mother of three. But there's a simple, common sense reason why this is essential.

The man and the woman are at the core of the relationship. They are the foundation; the root. It all began with them. They came together and married or moved in together and decided to start a family because of the way they made each other feel. Talking, flirting, laughing and whatever else turned them on about each other is what distinguished their particular relationship from all the others they'd had. It made them want to take THAT relationship to the next level. That need for connection doesn't have an expiration date. To keep things fresh and exciting, the "couple only" things have to still happen; and not once every 3 months between ballet recitals and soccer games: OFTEN. I would go so far as to say at least once a week. I know most couples, (especially moms) laugh at the idea of weekly “couple only” time. Common excuses are: "There's not enough time and even if I find the time, where would I find the energy needed to do it and really be present?" Well I have a suggestion; find the time and energy in the same place you'll find it in the future when you suspect or God forbid KNOW, your partner is cheating on you.  Men and women alike get so comfortable and secure in their relationships over time that they take them for granted. When this happens, they lose sight of the attention that they both need from each other. Although you may stop giving or receiving this attention, it doesn’t mean one or the other of you stopped desiring it. This emotional and physical deficit opens the door for disaster.

As a former wife, and a mother of three, I can honestly say that women are initially less cognizant of the attention they're not getting because they're so occupied with the school bake sale and laundry duty. We take on so many roles; we often work outside the home and then come home and take on our second full time job as homemaker and mom. There is no definitive end to our workday even once we get home or shall I say especially once we get home. Even “stay at home” moms become consumed by the endless abyss of household and child rearing duties to the extent that they forget to set time parameters and controls.  As a result, we end up cheating ourselves as well as our partners by getting so wrapped up in household and children activities, that we leave little time or energy for anything else.  Though men may tend to get wrapped up in work outside the home, once they get home, they’re not usually expected to cook dinner and do laundry so they can usually relax. Therefore, in their evening down time, they are well aware of the lack of attention: no sex for the 3^rd night straight, coming home to a frumpy, disheveled wife in sweats for the 3^rd week straight etc.

 So my simple point is this. Kids are needy and selfish by nature. They have no concept of anyone else's needs besides their own for a very long time. If they did, would your infant wake up for another bottle at 5am when you just fed him one at 3?? Or would your 16 year old beg to get her license when she knows it will sky rocket your car insurance and you're already strapped for cash?? You get the picture right? So with that being the case, don't expect them to tone down their schedules, wants and needs to give you and your partner permission to spend regular uninterrupted quality time. You as the adult must seize that time. Keep some of your effort and energy to do the things that nurture your relationship. Carve away daily time to connect in a simple way (time to talk privately and uninterrupted, have an afternoon quickie…) Then on a weekly basis, plan to do something more elaborate.  Remember: being a good mom or dad is not in conflict with being a good partner. You're not automatically neglecting your kids every time you do something exclusive of them. The key is balance and setting priorities.

I recently watched an old episode of Sex and the City, one of the most educational shows on TV might I add. I learned more from that show than I did in law school. Oh well, I digress. During the time that Charlotte and first hubby Trent were trying to have a baby, old friends of Trent's stop by. Trent was struck by how different they were together from how he remembered. Once they were gone he mentioned this to Charlotte. He said, "They used to be so in love. Now they're just...." Charlotte finished the sentence for him, "parents." They both sat in silence with “light bulb moment” expressions etched across their faces. Camera goes to next scene.

Don't let the addition of kids to your relationship negatively impact your dynamic as a couple. Keeping that love and spark helps the relationship and the kids by giving you a better chance of staying together; and not just for them, but because you're happy. Seeing mom and dad flirt with each other, talk and laugh together, as well as getting dressed to go out on regular dates is their first and best example of what a happy relationship looks like. So continue to nurture your friendship with each other as intensely and frequently as you did before the kids. Appreciate and find it sexy that he is a great dad or that she is an awesome mom as opposed to seeing those roles as “all encompassing” and separate from your dynamic as a couple. Let your kids know that you love them, but you have a special relationship with each other outside of them that you cherish as well. If you’re doing it right, your kids should see you as a loving, romantic couple; not just as parents.