THE FIRST HALF DECISIONS:
Although this blog
is not an on-line diary, I thought it would be important for me to provide a
foundation for the insight and perspectives I’ve developed from the first half
of my journey to the second half. The way I think, my expectations, and what I’m
willing to accept has changed tremendously in the last 20 years and even more
significantly in the last 5. Those changes are a result of my first half
experiences; the mistakes made and the lessons learned. Many of my readers will
identify with my first half thought processes and may feel a lot of the
frustrations that I felt in my second half which is exactly why I wanted to
write this blog. I have sooooo much to say about doing WHATEVER it takes to
give yourself a fair chance at happiness after 40. So bear with me as I set the
foundation for what I feel is a life changing shift in thought, attitude and
expectations for all of us who find ourselves at an unexpected, unsettling
crossroad after 40.
The CAREER
decision
When I was a little girl I wanted to be a
teacher, a lawyer and an actress. I wanted to be a teacher because I loved
school and really admired three of my teachers; specifically my 5th
grade teacher Miss Fonville, my 7th grade teacher Mrs. Becton, and
my 12th grade teacher Mrs. Talton.
I thought they were smart, organized and creative. They made teaching
seem fun and rewarding.
I wanted to be a lawyer because I grew up
hearing my family say what a fantastic lawyer I would be. I was a very
precocious little girl and had communication skills and intellect beyond my
years. My ability to articulate, analyze and persuade were uncanny. Besides, African American families dream
about one of their children growing up to practice law. It’s a respectable
career in our community, as is teaching. They are both stable careers and one
of them is financially lucrative; you guess which one.
I eventually became both: a teacher and a
lawyer. But if I had my choice, (free of outside influences to pursue a stable
career with good pay and benefits) I would have pursued acting.
I LOVED acting. I performed in several
major theatrical productions from age 10 to 15. With no adult assistance, I found
a local theater, showed up for auditions and won roles in several plays over
that period of time. No one in my family ever came to see me perform so they
were unaware of my talents. But I’m positive that wouldn’t have mattered. I
know I would have still been encouraged to go the safe route. And so I did.
The LOCATION
decision
I did everything right....or so I
believed. After high school, I went to college, graduated and moved from my
home of North Carolina to the new and unfamiliar: Maryland. Prince
Georges County Public Schools offered me a teaching position and with no other
prospects, I felt I had no other choice but to take it. After all, my
mother had died the year before so I no longer had a "home" to return
to. And even more important was my firm resolve not to be one of the many
college graduates I saw that worked menial jobs outside their majors for
several years too many while waiting to get their "real" job.
Throughout my senior year, I held a part time job as a cashier at K-Mart and
was determined not to let that quietly convert into my full time job. So even
though I had no family or friends there, I took the job in Maryland.
The LOVE
Decision
I moved to Maryland
in 1991 and by February of 1996 I was married with a 3 year old son from a
previous relationship. I was very much
in love and happy according to the ideals and standards I had for relationships
at that time. We were husband and wife; not friends. He loved me; he took care
of me and protected me as good husbands
do. But he didn’t confide in me and laugh with me as good friends do.
I was a different
woman then. I put my husband and family’s needs over my own. I was Super Woman
and there was nothing I couldn’t handle…..even when I couldn’t handle anything.
Everyone admired my strength. My seeming
invincibility made people feel comfortable ignoring my dire situations and
needs at the times in my life when I was going through hell. It even gave them
the audacity to ask me to give more and do more. Finally, I reached a breaking
point: It was “me” or “them.” I finally
chose “me.” The “them” is metaphorical; more figurative than literal. “Them”
was sometimes work, situations or societal expectations. Sometimes it was
actual people – my husband, kids, church family or “real” family. All I know is that I felt like I was drowning
trying to “hold it down” for everyone except me and knew I wouldn’t survive if
I didn’t give myself permission to be “human.” Whether being human meant to be
weak, to disappoint, to fall short, to say “no” or “I can’t,” my very survival
depended on me allowing myself to walk into it. So I did. And even though I
lost a few relationships and some things, I gained more. I saved my life and
gained a new and valuable perspective on many significant things that in the
precious “second half” will serve me
well and help me to be happy. And this is where I am now: Profoundly,
unequivocally happy and fulfilled; finally living the life I want. Everything I
write in this blog hereafter comes from this place of peace where I find myself
now. I have not accomplished MOST of the things in my career and other areas
that I have set as goals, but I have accomplished the most important. And that
is - I now have the courage, faith in God, and faith in myself to actively seek
the life I want and this makes me insanely happy! I have ventured outside my
safety zone and the societal expectations and constraints that I had
unwittingly held myself hostage to. I still have some ways to go but I am
enjoying the journey…….finally!!
