The Fine Art of Being Selfish

Imagine this: you wake up when you feel like waking up; not when you have to. Later, you go have breakfast on a breezy patio and then off to enjoy a mani / pedi and an afternoon movie. What movie do you see: Any “F'ing” thing you want to because today you have no one to consider but yourself! If this sounds glorious and inconceivable all at the same time, you may be in need of some serious "me" time. This is doubly true if you are a woman and quadrupally true if you’re a mom. The problem is “me” time or any phrase or sentence with the word “me” in it, has become synonymous with selfish in the minds of women. And in a woman’s mind, there is no characteristic worse than selfishness. We are raised from birth to nurture and care for everybody; starting with our baby dolls on up to our boyfriends and finally our husbands and kids.  

It is this upbringing and socialization that makes “selfish” a bad word for women but fine for everybody else. Society accepts the fact that men are selfish at times and kids are selfish - period. But if a woman is EVER selfish, she's a bad mom and less than "wife material." We all need some “self” time every now and then, however women consistently cut themselves short in this area making the quest for the title of “SuperMom” and “SuperWoman” top priority. What they don't realize is over time, these titles in all their splendor and beauty, often morph into bitterness, burn out and bad health.

For women, even our vacations aren’t the relaxing breaks from “real life” that they are intended to be. I can remember several "vacations" that I went on with my family that felt nothing like a break. That's because for me they weren't. All the preparation (packing etc) was on me. Then once we got there, I felt more like the nanny who was hired to watch the kids to make sure the parent could have fun. My ex-husband probably thought he had done a fantastic deed by paying for the vacation, when in fact I was miserable.  I had 4 children (2 babies under the age of 2) and 2 older kids.  No one cared if I ate in peace, rode a ride, got any sleep...my schedule barely changed from what it was at home. The only change was the location; work was the same. I remember being especially miserable in Disney World; standing around with my 2 babies (ages 4 months and 2 years) fanning and spraying them so they wouldn't have strokes, while the husband and older kids got on every ride in the park. Never did anyone ask if there was something I wanted to do.  I remember complaining on the phone for hours to my best friend as I sat in the park perspiring more than I thought was humanly possible. How was it possible to be this miserable on vacation?

But had I understood then the fine art of being selfish, not only vacations, but my whole life as a wife and mother, would have played out differently. First of all, family vacation means just that: it’s a vacation for the family; the whole family including mom. So the same way my expectations for the kids and hubby are relaxed since we're on vacation, their expectations of me should’ve been relaxed. But they weren't. I was still expected to solely administer baths, comb hair, get kids dressed, keep accommodations neat etc. Tired yet? I left most family vacations exhausted, bitter, and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to kill the whole family.  What did I learn about taking care of me and what did I do to put it into action? I learned that being selfish is a fine art. Now I’m a master at it. Let me teach you.

1.    Win the fight with GUILT. It’s ok to put you first. Emergency and priority situations barred, you should consider yourself first. This sounds selfish but in fact it’s just human nature mixed with a little common sense. I have often felt guilty when I did things that I wanted to do that did not include my children. Afterwards, I would come home and over compensate for the fact that I went out to lunch (or wherever) without them. I have no idea why I felt that was necessary. I took them out regularly and dedicated the majority of my time to taking care of them and meeting their needs. But somewhere along the way, I adopted this attitude that I wasn’t worthy of spending time doing things that were solely for me. I needed that time to reconnect with the “me” that so often got shoved in a corner so that I could take care of others. When you take a vacation, buy yourself something, or say "no" to a request that is too difficult to accommodate, do not beat yourself up with feelings of guilt. This defeats the purpose and ruins the satisfaction that doing something nice for yourself is supposed to bring. If the people around you try to make you feel guilty, shut them down as well. As horrible as it sounds, your kids, husbands, friends and co-workers don’t always have your best interests at heart. They have theirs; that’s human nature. When you start treating yourself well, the people who have been draining you will resist because they see their “good thing” coming to an end. Don’t feed into it. Be secure in your decision to make yourself a priority.  Don’t be afraid that doing this will result in you short changing your family, job or other obligations, Love, concern and a sense of responsibility will be your safe guards against neglect.

      2. Love yourself and the things you value as much as you love others. We make our kids, husbands and their activities top priority. We'll risk life, liberty and limb to get our kids to their stuff: soccer practice, a friend’s house for a sleepover etc. If our husband needs us to attend an event, we'll drag ourselves there despite how we feel. But things that we value: girls night out, lunch or shopping with friends, Zumba class....we postpone or miss for any reason. Everything and Anything trumps it. Little league basketball practice would trump taking our best friend out for dinner on her 40th bday. Seriously? That little rug rat doesn't play for the Knicks! He can miss 1 practice for a special event. Guess what? He can even miss if you're just tired or don't want to drive in a torrential downpour. It’s cool; really. Teach your family that though they are a priority, they are not the only priority. Your activities and feelings count too. This is not bad mothering or neglectful behavior. It’s actually responsible parenting because you're teaching them to be considerate and sensitive.

      3. Finally, redefine selfishness. Selfish is defined as “caring only for oneself.” Thus it has a negative denotation and connotation; and rightfully so. Who wants to care only for themselves?  Sounds terribly lonely and boring and that’s not at all what I am advocating. I get a great deal of joy from loving, nurturing and taking care of my family and loved ones as do most women. I just want you to adjust the definition to make it a “good thing” for you to care for yourself too and not something that brings guilt or feelings of inadequacy. I was never at risk of only caring for me; I was at risk of not caring for me at all. Love, nurture, value, respect and support yourself the same way you do others. It only makes you better inside and out.  
        So I conclude that it’s better to be honest with yourself as a woman that you are a mere mortal, than to try fiercely to hold on to the title of SuperMom because she doesn’t exist.  If it means that much to you, have your family engrave it on your tombstone: "Here lies the most selfless woman in the Universe: Super Mom." Maybe it won't matter to you that you often felt used, under-appreciated, tired, stressed and neglected. Maybe you'll wear your shabby appearance, obvious lack of attention to yourself, and high blood pressure as a badge of honor. Maybe you'll feel that you lived up to your ideals of motherhood and womanhood by allowing yourself to be everyone's door mat. But me, I've learned. And I'm fine with having a tombstone that reads: "This bitch flipped the script and “did her” for a Change."