It’s really easy to lose sight of how little
control we actually have over some aspects of life. It’s not until that
"thing" happens that rocks our world that we understand that despite
our best efforts, shit happens. If you can grasp this concept, it helps you
keep your mind right even when you’re in a storm. Getting your mind right
refers to adapting an attitude and way of thinking that transcends
circumstances and situations. “Control what you can control.” Many times, circumstances
and situations arise that are outside of our control; the only thing we can
control all the time is how we handle
these situations. If your mind is right, you can take the worst situation and
not just overcome it; but triumph.
I went through a really rough time once. It
was literally a situation where I went to bed on top of the world, and awoke
with the world on top of me. I felt miserable
and hopeless and there seemed to be no end in sight. I remember wishing for
death. To the world however, I seemed strong because I never stopped; I kept
pushing forward living life as if nothing had changed. It wasn't until later that
I realized I don’t know how to give up. I honestly thought I had no choice but
to keep getting up every morning, going to work, taking care of my children and
my newly incarcerated husband...after all, I kept waking up alive.
Much later someone explained to me
the fallacy in my thinking. They pointed out that you do have a choice and
sadly, many people don’t make it through. There's actually such a thing as
giving up without dying. They opt to stay in bed; can't face another day. It even
has a name: mental breakdown. That’s when I realized I had actually done
something pretty amazing. I did have a choice:
to fight or give up. I CHOSE to fight. I WAS strong. The thing is, I never
learned how to give up; only to fight and make it happen - one way or another.
So my first point is:
1. Never learn how to give up. Don’t teach it to your kids either. There are
some basic things we have to have in life and you have to do what you have to
do to make sure that you are able to provide those necessities for yourself and
your family; by any means necessary. Menial
jobs that are beneath your experience and credentials, temporary public
assistance ... These things don’t define you or your worth. They are temporary
means to an end. Don’t focus on them or your current situation. Instead, focus
on your plan: what you’re doing to put your current situation behind you.
2. Don't put your
fate into anybody else’s hands. Take charge of your own life and destiny.
Do everything you can do for yourself. My son is an aspiring musician currently
trying to break into the hip hop industry. He moved to Atlanta specifically for
this reason. He has had some small successes but lacks the financial resources
to really do what he needs to do. As a result, he’s always in a perpetual state
of waiting on someone to do something for him: this person is going to take him
into the studio, this guy is supposed to introduce him to that guy who’s in the
industry; this girl is supposed to take pictures for his photo shoot or video
shoot….. Forget all that! Do everything you can do for yourself. Maybe it won’t
be the caliber or quality that you desire. But it’s something. You can be
waiting for years to have the $5,000.00 it takes for professional pictures or
to shoot a really elaborate video. Meantime, you’re at a standstill; feeling
bad, losing motivation and wasting the most precious of all commodities: time.
The internet is your friend; iPhone cameras and video recorders are your
friends. Use them! Remember, Justin Bieber was discovered on YouTube sitting in
his living room singing and playing a guitar.
3. Keep failures and disappointments in perspective; stay positive.
Remember: you don’t have cancer. I say this all the time because I watched my
dad die of cancer and that was the most helpless situation I have ever been in.
You feel helpless and hopeless. I could do nothing for him, the best Doctors at
Duke could do nothing for him, and he could do nothing for himself. He probably
wished at that time that his biggest problem was one of the problems I have
now. I’m sure he would have preferred being homeless than lying in that bed
wasting away waiting for death to claim him. So, If it’s not cancer, you have
hope. And even if it is cancer, a positive attitude can bring healing sometimes
and if nothing more, peace and calm to you and your family as you help each other
cope with the inevitable.
4. Look at every situation from
this perspective: what’s the worst that could happen? Often the worse thing
is still something that leaves us with a heartbeat. And a heartbeat means
there's still hope. One day my son was having a horrible day. You know, one of
those ones that greets you as soon as you wake up. He knew he was going to be
late for work due to a curve ball that this dreadful day had thrown first thing
in the morning and he knew his supervisor was going to go ballistic because
that’s her style. I looked at him and he looked so defeated. I gave him what I
believe to be some great advice. I told him, "yes, she is probably going to go
ape shit, but you are late so you can’t say too much to that. However, at the
end of the day, after all her ranting what is the worst thing that can happen?
She can fire you……that’s it. And the
beautiful thing about that is - it’s a dreadful job with low pay that you should
have quit already anyway. You will still have a place to live and food to eat." Losing
your job might not be as inconsequential to your survival as it was for my son
because the “worst thing that can happen is subjective and therefore different
for all of us. But look at it this way: even when the worst thing that could happen
happens (death, unemployment, divorce) if you’re still breathing, there's
still hope. My dad died suddenly of cancer; worst thing that could
happen. It was painful and rapidly degenerative. But in the midst of all the
ugly, was beauty. I got to know him in a way I never had before and WOULD never
have but for his illness. We had never before taken that time that we were
forced to take once he got ill.
5.
Nothing is the end of the world; except the end of the world. This one goes
hand in hand with the last 2. I think I’m stressing this one to the point of
being redundant, because it’s so important to keeping your mind right. What
makes our minds “wrong” and disillusioned, is giving so much significance and
power to the problems that life brings us. People commit suicide over things
that could and would work themselves out in a matter of time (sometimes as
short as weeks later) if they would give time the chance to do what it does
best. That is such a sad waste.
6. Remember what’s important: good health, family, love. Those of
us who are healthy and loved by our family and friends take these precious gifts
for granted. Your health gives you the capacity and the ability to build the
life that you want. You may not have it now, but if you have good health, the
only thing standing between you and that life is how much effort you’re willing
to put into making it happen. The person lying in bed dying of cancer no longer
has the option to fix his life. He can use the down time to be introspective
and figure out some things for the future, but he will never have the chance to
bring it to fruition. Family and friends who love you are priceless. The
support and love that we get from them cannot be bought and should be valued.
But often, we take it for granted. If you are in a loving relationship or have
great kids, extended family, sisters or brothers, parents etc. you are blessed
and have half of everything you need in life to be happy. Look at the wonderful
things that you have right in front of your face instead of looking THROUGH
those assets in search of the problems.
7. The glass really is half full. Any negative situation can be turned into a positive if your mind is right. If you apply for a job that you really want but don't get it, the glass is still half full. Examine your resume with a critical eye, then look for ways to improve it. If you had an interview and didn't get it, critique your interview style and technique. Were you positive and responsive to the questions asked? Were you knowledgeable of the company's objectives? Were you professionally dressed and articulate? Use this rejection as a way of assessing and improving your interview style. Finally, look at it like this: sometimes not getting one job means there is a better job for you. I firmly believe that if you are prepared and position yourself to take advantage of opportunities, you will get what's meant for you. Keep striving.
8. Keep that friend close who
tells you like it is. Honesty is your friend. No sense in being positive if
your positive thinking is based on a lie. For example, we all have friends who
constantly complain about their jobs, marriage or relationship, body image etc.,
yet never do anything to make it better. If you think you’re overweight but
won’t change your eating habits or exercise, you are contributing to something
that is making you unhappy. Worse yet, if you are compounding the problem by
dressing in such a way that emphasizes your girth rather than plays it down,
you’re making it worse. This is where the good friend that shoots it to you
straight comes in. He or she will tell you to do something about your weight if
it makes you unhappy and in the meantime, stop dressing like a size 6 if you’re
a size 14. They will also tell you when
you’re complaining about things on your job that you cause, or a relationship
that you long outgrew etc. Hearing this
“straight no chaser” information is sometimes exactly what we need to make positive
changes in our lives.
I know the advice I am offering
is easier said than done but when your very survival depends upon it, it’s
easier done too. That age old saying holds a lot of truth but it can also be
used as a crutch and an excuse. When you are trying to move forward in life,
keep your sanity and find happiness and fulfillment, philosophical crutches and
excuses are luxuries you cannot afford. Read books about people who have
overcome or who have successfully tackled the field you’re in or the obstacles
you face. Learn from their struggles and mistakes, get hope from the fact that
they made some of the same mistakes you did, felt miserable sometimes etc. but
in the end they made it. You are not alone in your struggles. Others have had
the same and somehow figured it out. You will too if you keep your mind right.