Dating?? Remember This:

1. Have standards and stick to them: The world will make you think that you need to "go with the flow" or "relax." Don't believe it. You need to know what you want in a man and in a relationship regardless of societal trends. Not into "casual sex" or "friends with benefits" status? Then don't pretend to be! If you require a man to court and woo you, don't worry about whether it's old fashioned or if you're missing out on potential dates. Along the way, you will meet men who can't "rock with" what you want, but if you stick to your standards, you'll be available when you cross paths with the man who will. 

2. Be yourself: Sounds simple but many women feel the need to change who they are, what they like, and what they want in order to have someone to date. If you like to drink beer rather than champagne and enjoy the way profanity feels on your tongue, don't front. Everyone deserves to know exactly who and what they're getting. So, there's no reason to present an ultra feminine fake to your potential boo if you're really a little "hood." As stated before, when you meet Mr. "Right for You" he'll love and appreciate your quirks, idiosyncrasies and even your foul mouth; mine does!

3. Don't be desperate: You don't have to like every guy who likes you. Just because you finally met someone who calls you regularly and wants to spend a Saturday afternoon with you, you don't have to make him into your boyfriend. If you genuinely like him, can be yourself and don't have to waiver in your standards then, "yaaaay;" he might be the one. But if you find yourself overlooking significant things and talking yourself into why you should like him, you might be trying to choose him, just because he chose you. 

4. Continue to cultivate your female friendships: Don't forget about your girls just because you now have a potential boyfriend. Men don't stop watching Monday Night Football with their boys at Dantanna's just because they met a girl. They continue to do the things they always have and simply merge their new interest in with the old ones. The new guy you're dating should enhance your social life, not replace it. 

5. Don't search for superficial things: If you're over 35 and still looking for a man or woman your age with ripped abs, a tight, 22 year old ass and a waist the size of Scarlett Ohara's, please don't complain when you remain single......forever. Or worse yet, get a partner that has the character and morals of Satan. But remember: you weren't looking for character; you were looking for a flat stomach and round booty. Of course, we'd all love to have a physically perfect partner and I'm not advocating selecting a partner that makes you throw up in your mouth every time you look at him/her. But if you meet someone who has taken good care of themselves and can still fit in an airplane seat, give them a chance to show you the things about them that really matter. The reality is that most men and women over 35 have had children, stopped pumping iron in the gym for 3 hours daily due to careers and family, and therefore, don't still have the abs and pecs they had at 20. It's science. And for God's sake, if you're fat yourself, you really need to stop it.

6. Be the type of partner you would like to have: It's selfish and ridiculous to expect from a partner that which you yourself don't even have or give. This goes back to what I just said about looks and even beyond. If you're not attentive and generous, don't expect to get someone who is. If you're not rich, don't have a requirement that you only date wealthy men (or women)............... What was that? Birds chirping? It suddenly got really quiet in here. Again, we would all love to meet, fall in love and ride off into the sunset with a wealthy partner. But, don't dismiss every potential partner who's not. Especially if you're not. The amount of money a person makes today, is not the amount of money they have the potential to make tomorrow. Nor does it determine their character and how well they will treat you in a relationship. You better ask Tina about Ike......Enough said. 

Enjoying the Space You're In: 3 Ways to Celebrate Your Current Status

One of the cruelties of life is that people always want whatever they don’t have. Skinny girls want curves and curvy girls starve themselves to be skinny; married people crave the freedom and autonomy they had when they were single and single people pray nightly for someone to answer to and inhibit their freedom. Teens long to be adults and adults wish they could be teens again. “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” However, we all know that this saying is really a sarcastic way of acknowledging that it’s probably never greener but when you don’t have it, it will always seem mighty tantalizing over there. So why do we spend so much of our time coveting things, people, lifestyles and circumstances that we don’t have? There’s probably no scientific answer to this question but my very unscientific one is that it’s probably due to that little monster of personal sabotage that lives within each of us. But instead of letting this little monster succeed in making you miserable, try embracing and celebrating your current status. Here’s how!

ONE:        Take stock of all the good things that characterize your life: “AS IS.”

TWO:       Tear down the fantasy of how great the other side is.

THREE:   Don’t let society dictate to you what defines beauty, fulfillment or happiness.    Create and embrace the unique standards of beauty and happiness that work for you.

I Want Children: The first thing you have to understand is that both sides of the fence have desirables and undesirables. Single people who desperately want children have just dropped their jaws to the floor wondering how a couple with 2 angelic children and a dog could possibly have a moment where they don’t experience almost orgasmic joy in the midst of having it all. Well, I’ll tell you. First, those 2 beings that you labeled angelic are anything but angels 80% of the time; and those “great” Saturdays spent shuffling the “angels” to soccer games, ballet class and to the mall for new sneakers is anything but “great” to the exhausted couple who would love to just experience the joy of sleeping late one Saturday before the eternal slumber of death. They WISH they could lie in bed until they feel like getting up and then have one whole day that involved only things that they wanted to do. The thought of having a 20 minute phone conversation without interruptions from a child who wants a snack…….NOW is heavenly. Meeting a friend for impromptu drinks after work sounds divine, but anything impromptu is out of the question because having kids is the most restrictive existence outside of actual incarceration that exists in the free world. In order for the average working mom to meet a friend out for unplanned drinks after work, she has to arrange for someone to pick the kids up from school, help them with their homework, make them dinner, ensure they get bathed and in bed on time…. Not to mention, sign permission slips for tomorrow’s field trip and pack lunch etc. etc. etc. It never ends; and this is just one day. So, am I saying that you should change your whole life plan and schedule Vasectomies and Tubal Ligations A.S.A.P.? No; I’m not. What I am advising however, is take the time to enjoy your childless status and the delicious freedoms that come with it. Relish it. Then, when your status changes to mommy or daddy, you’ll enjoy it even more.  

I Want a Spouse/Significant Other: If we could throw together some great physical, mental and emotional characteristics, blend them in a bowl then bake on 350 for an hour and have our soul mate, we’d all be in the kitchen right now. But since we can’t, why waste time stressing over “when” and “if” he or she is going to materialize? Contrary to the information touted by so many articles and books written to mainly women audiences, changing your hair, losing 10 pounds, and playing “dating mind games” is not going to cosmically bring you in contact with the person destined to be your soul mate. So instead of wasting time making so called “improvements” and adjustments to yourself in hopes of catching Prince or Princess Charming, use this time to enjoy “You” and to improve yourself simply for the benefit it brings to you as a person. As a woman who has experienced marriage, divorce and is now a partner in a committed relationship, I have a clear and well-rounded perspective of relationships. I know that marriage can be wonderful but it is not the total bliss that desperate singles imagine it to be. Even when you are in an amazing relationship like the one I’m in now, there are still times when you miss the autonomy and freedom of being single. As much as you love the sense of belonging to someone who adores you, you have moments when you miss belonging only to yourself; the days when you could make major decisions without considering or consulting anyone. When you are in a relationship you end up sharing everything: your body, space, heart, time…..life. And sometimes, you wish everything could just be about you. You wish you had the freedom to quit your job and pack up and move to Miami because it was one of your college dreams to live near the beach and operate a burrito truck. Well, if you’re married or even in a committed relationship, you could never make a quirky decision like that without consulting him or her. And when you do, how likely is it that the answer will be: “Let’s go!” If you have kids: no consultation necessary. It just “aint” happening!

I Want to Be Skinny: Body image is huge in this country; maybe even the world. Trust me, I know because I spend 15% of everyday looking in the mirror and criticizing what I see. At one time, the trend was to be as hip-less, butt-less, thin and waif-like as humanly possible. We starved ourselves to be that. Now the trend is to be booty-licious thanks to pop icons like J-Lo and Beyonce. But…..or should I say, Butt……you can’t just have a curvy rear end because that would be easy for some of us. You have to have a curvy butt and hips, BUT a waist made for ultra-tiny waifs from times past. The combination is almost unnatural. So what do we do? We get butt injections, implants, liposuction and other procedures that a natural girl like me has never heard of. They even make butt pads which look ridiculous, may I add. I’ve had my biggest laughs looking at some skinny girl in the club who looks like she has two loaves of wheat bread in her pants. The skinny thighs and huge butt is a dead give-away. And if you have an ample figure all over, forget it. The world has no place for you. But instead of riding the rollercoaster of society’s beauty trends that are here today and gone tomorrow, develop your own sense of what looks good for YOU. I have always had a small top and curvy bottom; way before the mainstream thought it looked good. I didn’t try to get the fat sucked out my butt; I just wore clothes that made me feel and look good to ME. Now it’s in style, but next year - who knows? Now and then I see a small, petite girl and wish I looked like that but I immediately shoo that thought away. I make my main objective to be healthy and work with what I have. The huge boobs you hate, your short 4’11” frame, round hips, thick lips, big butt, small butt and the list goes on, is the envy of someone somewhere. Not only that, it is a huge turn-on to someone as well.

Food for Thought: Believe it or not, there are just as many married people who wish they were single as there are singles who want to be married.  There are moms and dads with children who wish they didn’t have that huge emotional, physical and financial responsibility. And yes, while curvy girls are saving to have their big butts, thighs and hips suctioned away, skinny girls are saving for injections to have theirs enhanced. I am a proponent of doing what you need to be happy; but only if it’s truly what YOU need, and not what the world tells you that you need. Only You know the answer to that. To illustrate this, again I must allude to the Bible of Life: “Sex and The City;” this time the movie (part two). Carrie and Big made two extremely non-traditional decisions that worked for them. First, they decided to never have children. Although a happily married couple, they decided that children just didn’t fit into their lifestyle as a dual career, social, NYC couple. They even had rings engraved to commemorate the decision: “me and you; just us two.” Second, they decided to retain Carrie’s old apartment so that once or twice a week, one or the other could go over there to have privacy and space. He wanted to lay in bed and watch TV which irked her and she needed the time away to feel like herself again so she could write. They had both been single for a long time and found that though madly in love, they still needed a little space from time to time. Her friends thought it strange at first, which made her insecure, but in the end, they ended up using the apartment themselves when they needed a little R&R away from their own hubbies and homes.

But it’s not about what friends think: it’s about you. So if you’re married and feeling restricted and unhappy, talk to your spouse about what you need; if it’s a little non-traditional, so what?  If you’re a mom and starting to hate your children, verbalize it. Then get the support you need to get away and have the alone time necessary for you to recharge and enjoy motherhood again. There are no “right or wrong" decisions; just “right or wrong” decisions for YOU.

A happy couple starting a family

Single girls having fun

                                                          

Get Your Mind Right

           It’s really easy to lose sight of how little control we actually have over some aspects of life. It’s not until that "thing" happens that rocks our world that we understand that despite our best efforts, shit happens. If you can grasp this concept, it helps you keep your mind right even when you’re in a storm. Getting your mind right refers to adapting an attitude and way of thinking that transcends circumstances and situations. “Control what you can control.” Many times, circumstances and situations arise that are outside of our control; the only thing we can control all the time is how we handle these situations. If your mind is right, you can take the worst situation and not just overcome it; but triumph.

           I went through a really rough time once. It was literally a situation where I went to bed on top of the world, and awoke with the world on top of me.  I felt miserable and hopeless and there seemed to be no end in sight. I remember wishing for death. To the world however, I seemed strong because I never stopped; I kept pushing forward living life as if nothing had changed. It wasn't until later that I realized I don’t know how to give up. I honestly thought I had no choice but to keep getting up every morning, going to work, taking care of my children and my newly incarcerated husband...after all, I kept waking up alive.

          Much later someone explained to me the fallacy in my thinking. They pointed out that you do have a choice and sadly, many people don’t make it through. There's actually such a thing as giving up without dying. They opt to stay in bed; can't face another day. It even has a name: mental breakdown. That’s when I realized I had actually done something pretty amazing.  I did have a choice: to fight or give up. I CHOSE to fight. I WAS strong. The thing is, I never learned how to give up; only to fight and make it happen - one way or another. So my first point is:

          1. Never learn how to give up.  Don’t teach it to your kids either. There are some basic things we have to have in life and you have to do what you have to do to make sure that you are able to provide those necessities for yourself and your family; by any means necessary.  Menial jobs that are beneath your experience and credentials, temporary public assistance ... These things don’t define you or your worth. They are temporary means to an end. Don’t focus on them or your current situation. Instead, focus on your plan: what you’re doing to put your current situation behind you. 

          2. Don't put your fate into anybody else’s hands. Take charge of your own life and destiny. Do everything you can do for yourself. My son is an aspiring musician currently trying to break into the hip hop industry. He moved to Atlanta specifically for this reason. He has had some small successes but lacks the financial resources to really do what he needs to do. As a result, he’s always in a perpetual state of waiting on someone to do something for him: this person is going to take him into the studio, this guy is supposed to introduce him to that guy who’s in the industry; this girl is supposed to take pictures for his photo shoot or video shoot….. Forget all that! Do everything you can do for yourself. Maybe it won’t be the caliber or quality that you desire. But it’s something. You can be waiting for years to have the $5,000.00 it takes for professional pictures or to shoot a really elaborate video. Meantime, you’re at a standstill; feeling bad, losing motivation and wasting the most precious of all commodities: time. The internet is your friend; iPhone cameras and video recorders are your friends. Use them! Remember, Justin Bieber was discovered on YouTube sitting in his living room singing and playing a guitar.

          3. Keep failures and disappointments in perspective; stay positive. Remember: you don’t have cancer. I say this all the time because I watched my dad die of cancer and that was the most helpless situation I have ever been in. You feel helpless and hopeless. I could do nothing for him, the best Doctors at Duke could do nothing for him, and he could do nothing for himself. He probably wished at that time that his biggest problem was one of the problems I have now. I’m sure he would have preferred being homeless than lying in that bed wasting away waiting for death to claim him. So, If it’s not cancer, you have hope. And even if it is cancer, a positive attitude can bring healing sometimes and if nothing more, peace and calm to you and your family as you help each other cope with the inevitable.

          4. Look at every situation from this perspective: what’s the worst that could happen? Often the worse thing is still something that leaves us with a heartbeat. And a heartbeat means there's still hope. One day my son was having a horrible day. You know, one of those ones that greets you as soon as you wake up. He knew he was going to be late for work due to a curve ball that this dreadful day had thrown first thing in the morning and he knew his supervisor was going to go ballistic because that’s her style. I looked at him and he looked so defeated. I gave him what I believe to be some great advice. I told him, "yes, she is probably going to go ape shit, but you are late so you can’t say too much to that. However, at the end of the day, after all her ranting what is the worst thing that can happen? She can fire you……that’s it.  And the beautiful thing about that is - it’s a dreadful job with low pay that you should have quit already anyway. You will still have a place to live and food to eat." Losing your job might not be as inconsequential to your survival as it was for my son because the “worst thing that can happen is subjective and therefore different for all of us.  But look at it this way: even when the worst thing that could happen happens (death, unemployment, divorce) if you’re still breathing, there's still hope.  My dad died suddenly of cancer; worst thing that could happen. It was painful and rapidly degenerative. But in the midst of all the ugly, was beauty. I got to know him in a way I never had before and WOULD never have but for his illness. We had never before taken that time that we were forced to take once he got ill.

           5. Nothing is the end of the world; except the end of the world. This one goes hand in hand with the last 2. I think I’m stressing this one to the point of being redundant, because it’s so important to keeping your mind right. What makes our minds “wrong” and disillusioned, is giving so much significance and power to the problems that life brings us. People commit suicide over things that could and would work themselves out in a matter of time (sometimes as short as weeks later) if they would give time the chance to do what it does best. That is such a sad waste.

          6. Remember what’s important: good health, family, love. Those of us who are healthy and loved by our family and friends take these precious gifts for granted. Your health gives you the capacity and the ability to build the life that you want. You may not have it now, but if you have good health, the only thing standing between you and that life is how much effort you’re willing to put into making it happen. The person lying in bed dying of cancer no longer has the option to fix his life. He can use the down time to be introspective and figure out some things for the future, but he will never have the chance to bring it to fruition. Family and friends who love you are priceless. The support and love that we get from them cannot be bought and should be valued. But often, we take it for granted. If you are in a loving relationship or have great kids, extended family, sisters or brothers, parents etc. you are blessed and have half of everything you need in life to be happy. Look at the wonderful things that you have right in front of your face instead of looking THROUGH those assets in search of the problems. 

7. The glass really is half full. Any negative situation can be turned into a positive if your mind is right. If you apply for a job that you really want but don't get it, the glass is still half full. Examine your resume with a critical eye, then look for ways to improve it. If you had an interview and didn't get it, critique your interview style and technique. Were you positive and responsive to the questions asked? Were you knowledgeable of the company's objectives? Were you professionally dressed and articulate? Use this rejection as a way of assessing and improving your interview style. Finally, look at it like this: sometimes not getting one job means there is a better job for you. I firmly believe that if you are prepared and position yourself to take advantage of opportunities, you will get what's meant for you. Keep striving.

          8. Keep that friend close who tells you like it is. Honesty is your friend. No sense in being positive if your positive thinking is based on a lie. For example, we all have friends who constantly complain about their jobs, marriage or relationship, body image etc., yet never do anything to make it better. If you think you’re overweight but won’t change your eating habits or exercise, you are contributing to something that is making you unhappy. Worse yet, if you are compounding the problem by dressing in such a way that emphasizes your girth rather than plays it down, you’re making it worse. This is where the good friend that shoots it to you straight comes in. He or she will tell you to do something about your weight if it makes you unhappy and in the meantime, stop dressing like a size 6 if you’re a size 14.  They will also tell you when you’re complaining about things on your job that you cause, or a relationship that you long outgrew etc.  Hearing this “straight no chaser” information is sometimes exactly what we need to make positive changes in our lives.

          I know the advice I am offering is easier said than done but when your very survival depends upon it, it’s easier done too. That age old saying holds a lot of truth but it can also be used as a crutch and an excuse. When you are trying to move forward in life, keep your sanity and find happiness and fulfillment, philosophical crutches and excuses are luxuries you cannot afford. Read books about people who have overcome or who have successfully tackled the field you’re in or the obstacles you face. Learn from their struggles and mistakes, get hope from the fact that they made some of the same mistakes you did, felt miserable sometimes etc. but in the end they made it. You are not alone in your struggles. Others have had the same and somehow figured it out. You will too if you keep your mind right.

What's Your Handicap?

          I LOVE GOLF.  There’s a lot that I still don’t understand about the fundamentals and rules of the game, but I like watching it on television and I LOVE accompanying my boyfriend when he goes to play. There's no place more beautiful and serene than a well-manicured golf course. But I'm not referring to golf in that question. I'm asking you to uncover and define that thing that keeps you from realizing your full potential or keeps you stuck and unable to move to the next level. The thing that keeps you handicapped. Is it a thought, a habit, a past decision or an attitude?  How do you unearth it? And even more importantly, once discovered, how do you fix it? The total solution depends on the specifics and nature of the problem, however at least 70% of the solution is just realizing you have a handicap and defining what it is.
          1. The unrealized fantasy: Did you lose a parent, a spouse or an opportunity at some point? Did that loss cause a massive shake up or shift in your life and circumstances? If so, you're not alone. These things are inevitable. But it’s how you deal with them that can set you apart. The unrealized fantasy is that thing that happened to you that you now blame for all your current problems. If "__" wouldn't have happened, my life would be so great.” My son lost the only father he knew when my ex-husband went to prison and later stopped communicating with him altogether. I will call him Mr. X. Mr. X met my son when he was only a year old and took him on as his son from age 1 to age 15.  My son looked up to him and respected him tremendously. He grew up watching Mr. X take care of his trucking business and our family and felt he would have his love and support forever. Unfortunately, after our relationship as husband and wife hit the rocks, Mr. X no longer wanted a relationship with my son either. It crushed my son and to this day, it affects his outlook and self-esteem. He feels that his life would be different and so much better if Mr. X was still in it. He saw him as a strong and powerful person who knew how to make things happen and who would have easily supplied him with the tools and support to become anything he wanted to be; which at age 20 is to be a writer and artist in the music industry. While this may or may not be true, focusing on it is an exercise in futility and an unworthy focus of time and energy. Advice: give yourself a reasonable amount of time to grieve. I'm not trying to diminish your pain. Seek help from friends or professionals if necessary. But at the end of the day, don’t give unmerited importance and power to that person or situation that robbed you of a sense of security. So you lost a parent at a young age, your husband left you or you missed a chance to go to college because your family couldn’t afford to send you. Maybe your life would’ve been better absent those circumstances; maybe it wouldn't have. You really don't know. But whether it would have or not is not a worthy focus of energy because you cannot recapture it. A much more worthy use of your time and energy is developing a plan to overcome. You can’t afford to give this type of crippling power to anyone or anything. People overcome extraordinary circumstances that would blow your mind every day. It’s much easier to blame that situation or person for your failure than to look within yourself and determine what you are doing to contribute. Life happens to everyone. How we deal with it is what separates us.
          2. Making bad decisions; repeatedly: Hindsight is 20/20; it’s true. On the front end, we don’t always have all the necessary information and insight to make the best decisions. However, some of us make a habit of making poor decisions that not only cause us pain but the people around us as well. If you are a woman who repeatedly picks the wrong man, or a husband who constantly cheats on his wife, gets caught, repents and then starts the whole cycle again, you may be a chronic bad decision maker. Repeatedly making poor choices that hurt you and the people involved with you is a handicap. It is something that keeps you stuck in a particular pattern or cycle of negativity and stunts your growth. Depending on the circumstances, this type of mental recklessness can also be very damaging to the people around you. In the example of the repeat cheater, not only is he destroying the relationship that he obviously wants to stay in, but he is destroying his wife’s self-esteem, sense of security and ability to trust. Women who consistently hook up with the wrong men waste crazy time putting up with crap and heartache while trying to mold him into the type of guy they want. Why not just try to find that guy from the start? Being in a bad relationship is especially crippling for women because we are extremely emotional beings who normally express our pain and frustration by spending countless hours venting to our friends. Venting is how we define and work out our pain. Women can spend 5 hours straight commiserating on our relationship woes. The problem is commiserating wastes a lot of time that we could spend on something that could actually be beneficial. Something like helping each other figure out a business venture to start together. My suggestion here is to take time to do frequent self-evaluations. You’ll have to figure out the most effective way to do it for you. I write in a journal, take a long shower or sometimes call my best friend and start talking from my soul. However you do it, take some time to think and reflect on your life, desires, decisions and plans. Determine what your usual decision making process consists of. Do you get all the facts before you act on things? Do you consider the consequences of your actions before acting? Do you ignore your gut feelings and instincts when making decisions? Do you learn from your mistakes and use that knowledge to guide you in future decisions? Determine your issue and take the necessary steps to break the handicapping effect bad decision making has on your life and happiness.
          3. Negative Attitude; the glass is always half empty: If you think life is tough, unfair, overwhelming and downright miserable sometimes, I concur. Many times we are working hard, being nice to others, saving our money, being responsible and still we fall short. Emergencies come up to wipe out our savings, despite our best efforts at work we get overlooked for the promotion….again, and even though we are nice to our in-laws, they hate us. I know how it goes. But in spite of these negative situations, life is still a beautiful thing overall. If you have good mental and physical health you’re in a great situation to make all your dreams come true. However, if you have a “glass is half empty” mentality, you will find it difficult if not impossible to believe that. The “glass half empty” analogy is brilliant and a remarkably simple and clear way to express one of the most important philosophies in life; the good or the bad of your circumstances depends on your perspective. Think about it. You have a half glass of water. You can decide to view it as being either half empty (negative and defeatist) or half full (positive and optimistic). Your way of looking at it neither adds nor takes away from the actual contents of the glass. But what it does is create an attitude within you that enables you to feel like you are either half way to being satisfied and fulfilled or half way to lack and poverty.  This simple illustration puts the power in your hands; not the world or your current circumstances to determine the contents of your glass.  Do not allow a negative, cynical attitude prevent you from acknowledging the tremendous power that you have over your life and circumstances.   

Parents: Do Not Put the Kids First!

            I know the idea that responsible, loving parents shouldn't put the kids first shocks the conscience.  A good parent, especially a good mom, wouldn't dare to think it; not less say it. But I just did.  Not only did I say it, I wrote it and published it so that "selfish" statement is forever memorialized and linked to my name; a proud and loving mother of three. But there's a simple, common sense reason why this is essential.

The man and the woman are at the core of the relationship. They are the foundation; the root. It all began with them. They came together and married or moved in together and decided to start a family because of the way they made each other feel. Talking, flirting, laughing and whatever else turned them on about each other is what distinguished their particular relationship from all the others they'd had. It made them want to take THAT relationship to the next level. That need for connection doesn't have an expiration date. To keep things fresh and exciting, the "couple only" things have to still happen; and not once every 3 months between ballet recitals and soccer games: OFTEN. I would go so far as to say at least once a week. I know most couples, (especially moms) laugh at the idea of weekly “couple only” time. Common excuses are: "There's not enough time and even if I find the time, where would I find the energy needed to do it and really be present?" Well I have a suggestion; find the time and energy in the same place you'll find it in the future when you suspect or God forbid KNOW, your partner is cheating on you.  Men and women alike get so comfortable and secure in their relationships over time that they take them for granted. When this happens, they lose sight of the attention that they both need from each other. Although you may stop giving or receiving this attention, it doesn’t mean one or the other of you stopped desiring it. This emotional and physical deficit opens the door for disaster.

As a former wife, and a mother of three, I can honestly say that women are initially less cognizant of the attention they're not getting because they're so occupied with the school bake sale and laundry duty. We take on so many roles; we often work outside the home and then come home and take on our second full time job as homemaker and mom. There is no definitive end to our workday even once we get home or shall I say especially once we get home. Even “stay at home” moms become consumed by the endless abyss of household and child rearing duties to the extent that they forget to set time parameters and controls.  As a result, we end up cheating ourselves as well as our partners by getting so wrapped up in household and children activities, that we leave little time or energy for anything else.  Though men may tend to get wrapped up in work outside the home, once they get home, they’re not usually expected to cook dinner and do laundry so they can usually relax. Therefore, in their evening down time, they are well aware of the lack of attention: no sex for the 3^rd night straight, coming home to a frumpy, disheveled wife in sweats for the 3^rd week straight etc.

 So my simple point is this. Kids are needy and selfish by nature. They have no concept of anyone else's needs besides their own for a very long time. If they did, would your infant wake up for another bottle at 5am when you just fed him one at 3?? Or would your 16 year old beg to get her license when she knows it will sky rocket your car insurance and you're already strapped for cash?? You get the picture right? So with that being the case, don't expect them to tone down their schedules, wants and needs to give you and your partner permission to spend regular uninterrupted quality time. You as the adult must seize that time. Keep some of your effort and energy to do the things that nurture your relationship. Carve away daily time to connect in a simple way (time to talk privately and uninterrupted, have an afternoon quickie…) Then on a weekly basis, plan to do something more elaborate.  Remember: being a good mom or dad is not in conflict with being a good partner. You're not automatically neglecting your kids every time you do something exclusive of them. The key is balance and setting priorities.

I recently watched an old episode of Sex and the City, one of the most educational shows on TV might I add. I learned more from that show than I did in law school. Oh well, I digress. During the time that Charlotte and first hubby Trent were trying to have a baby, old friends of Trent's stop by. Trent was struck by how different they were together from how he remembered. Once they were gone he mentioned this to Charlotte. He said, "They used to be so in love. Now they're just...." Charlotte finished the sentence for him, "parents." They both sat in silence with “light bulb moment” expressions etched across their faces. Camera goes to next scene.

Don't let the addition of kids to your relationship negatively impact your dynamic as a couple. Keeping that love and spark helps the relationship and the kids by giving you a better chance of staying together; and not just for them, but because you're happy. Seeing mom and dad flirt with each other, talk and laugh together, as well as getting dressed to go out on regular dates is their first and best example of what a happy relationship looks like. So continue to nurture your friendship with each other as intensely and frequently as you did before the kids. Appreciate and find it sexy that he is a great dad or that she is an awesome mom as opposed to seeing those roles as “all encompassing” and separate from your dynamic as a couple. Let your kids know that you love them, but you have a special relationship with each other outside of them that you cherish as well. If you’re doing it right, your kids should see you as a loving, romantic couple; not just as parents. 

5 Myths About Being Responsible Adults

          We all have our perceptions and ideas about what a responsible adult looks like. This perception may have been instilled in us directly from endless lectures from our parents, or we may have gained these ideas in more subtle ways.  Subtleties in the form of subliminal messages ingrained in our brains from watching the habits of our parents and guardians, our favorite TV or movie characters, or books we read. For me, I learned how to be a wife and mother from Samantha Stevens, beloved character from my favorite childhood show, Bewitched.  She was the perfect wife and mom. She met Darrin at the door after a long day of work with a loving kiss and a martini, complete with olive. It didn’t matter how impromptu the request, Sam handled it with grace and poise. Dinner for 8 business associates this evening?  No problem. She cleaned the house, whipped up a pot roast with all the trimmings, cocktails and looked beautiful as well. This was my model and standard for womanhood.  I seemed to forget somewhere from age 10 to age 26 when I myself became a wife, that Samantha had help. Number 1, she didn’t work outside the home, and number 2, she was a witch.  Quite a different set of resources from my own wouldn’t you say? 

           Whatever the source of your ideas, I would venture to say that they might need some tweaking at this point too; especially if you’re over 40 like me. Being over 40, ushers in a sense of liberation that makes you question your previous perceptions, choices and ideas in favor of ones that make happiness the priority. With that said, some of the traditional thoughts around being a responsible adult have shifted for me. They have evolved from more selfless, self-sacrificing thoughts to more selfish ones that make me, my happiness, and quality of life a priority.

MYTH 1: (Responsible adults) Stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids

          Absolutely not true! I think the opposite is true actually; and that is, it is extremely irresponsible to stay in an unhappy marriage if you have children. In fact, if you’re going to stay in a loveless marriage, it’s better if there are no children to subject to your dysfunction.  There is nothing scarier or more uncomfortable than being in the middle of a war zone where there is constant fighting, tension and abuse. Even if the home climate is not extreme enough to include fighting and other outward forms of dysfunction, loveless homes that are devoid of happiness are undesirable environments to raise happy children in.  Children desire and deserve to be a part of a happy home and family. Whether that home consists of two parents or one, grandparents or adopted parents, the most important component is love and peace. No matter how carefully adults think they are concealing their lack of affection and respect for each other, or their sadness and misery, children are so perceptive that they are usually able to pick up on it.  It hurts them tremendously to see one or both of their parents unhappy and often makes them feel guilty.  Additionally, if you are unhappy, it manifests itself in some way that affects your children. Times when I have been unhappy, I had less tolerance for my children, as well as less energy and desire to interact and communicate with them.  Sometimes we hide behind our fear of change and disguise our decision to stay as “for the sake of the children,” when it’s really for the adults.  

          Children learn a lot from their parents about what healthy relationships should look and feel like. After all, it is their very first exposure to any kind of relationship. The responsible thing to do, is to teach them how to seek and maintain healthy, loving relationships that nurture and inspire them. Do not teach them to settle, or stay in things that don’t feel good out of fear or hopelessness but then call it “being responsible.” Whether your reasons are emotional or financial, keeping yourself in an unhappy marriage is not good for anyone involved. Either get help or move on and make yourself available for the happy life that’s waiting for you.

MYTH 2:  (Responsible adults) Keep all problems a secret from the kids so they won't worry

          Again, children are very strong and resilient so you should not shut them out of every problem that the family faces. Of course you should use your better judgment and apply this practice to only those problems that are appropriate. But it is beneficial to children to learn that people aren’t perfect. This knowledge helps them to be sensitive and considerate to others.  If you lose your job and can therefore no longer afford to pay for piano lessons, or vacation plans have to change, let them know that the family has to make some adjustments. Trust me; they will be sensitive and understanding if you give them the opportunity to develop those characteristics. We often knock ourselves out trying to do things we either can’t afford to do or don’t have time to do all in the name of “not disappointing the kids.”  Instead of doing this, let your kids know that you love them but you are human and have emotional, physical and financial limitations.  Allow them to help find solutions to problems as well.  For example, if you can no longer afford piano lessons or can’t get them to basketball practice on Saturday because you have to work, ask for their ideas on possible solutions. They may decide to use money they normally use for entertainment to help with their lessons or earn money to contribute by doing jobs around the neighborhood. To solve the basketball practice dilemma, they may decide to ask a teammate if they can catch a ride or tell the coach and let her help. Teaching your kids to be sensitive, flexible and understanding is one of the greatest lessons you can teach them. These characteristics help them to keep disappointments in perspective and to understand that families work together to solve problems rather than attack each other and make each other feel guilty and inadequate.

MYTH 3:  (Responsible adults) Stay in jobs they hate because they’re 10 years away from retirement

          At the ripe old age of 42, I finally got the courage to leave my safe career of 20 years (pension and all), as well as move to a brand new state in search of a life that I could love, not just tolerate. When I was a kid, I acted in theater and loved it! My dream career was to be an actor but like so many, I did the responsible thing and put it on my shelf of dreams in order to go to college and become a teacher and later a lawyer. I hadn’t lost the desire then, just the courage to pursue what I really wanted because it wasn’t a stable career.

          I lost the acting bug somewhere between law school and age 38, but now being in a new city that makes me feel energetic, happy and optimistic, I’ve reconnected with another "unstable" passion of mine: Writing. I've always loved to read and write and I've written many "unpublished" articles on life and love over the years. But I always approached writing as a hobby; not a job or something that I could do professionally full time. However, now that I'm in a state of mind of pure optimism, faith, and passion, I'm doing what I always wanted to do. I make less money than I ever have, but I'm 1000 times happier now.  The money and security will come because I'm finally doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  So, if you have something you've always loved; something that makes you deliriously happy and makes you lose track of time when you're doing it, make it into a job! You're not being irresponsible to desire a life of joy and a job that makes you happy.

          Here’s a bit of food for thought in case the pursuit of happiness for happiness’ sake isn’t enough for you.  In 2010, I watched my 65 year old, healthy, physically fit father die of cancer. He found out in late February that he had this dreadful disease. By March his body was visibly under attack, by April he was a shell of the man he once was (little more than skin and bones) and by May, he was dead. My father worked the same job for over 40 years when he finally earned the right to retire. RETIREMENT: We live our whole lives waiting for this magical period of time when we can draw our hard earned pennies drenched in the blood, sweat and tears of our labor. We pinch, save and put off vacations and other things that make us happy in the name of being responsible adults.  My dad felt like that. And guess what? He NEVER got the chance to do any of those things he planned; none of the traveling, relaxing and enjoying that he worked so hard and planned for.  He died instead.

 MYTH 4: (Responsible adults) Pay all bills in full every month even if it leaves them broke

          I know my responsible adult readers are going to write me off as a hopeless fool for this one, but hey; you do you and I’ll do me. And “Me” ain’t  gonna leave myself poor to make sure that Capitol One can be rich; sorry.  I’ve already been there / done that and I swear it was over rated. I love good credit and it is mighty important but what’s more important than anything else to me is my happiness and peace of mind. Every post that you read on this blog is going to shout this sentiment to the rafters.

         For clarification’s sake, let me say that I am in no way encouraging and applauding bad credit or being irresponsible and getting accounts turned off and closed out in the name of partying and FUN-ing.  Quite the contrary; I live within my means and believe in saving. But what I don’t do is something that I used to do years ago; and that is pay every bill I have in full even though doing so is going to leave me penniless; penniless to the point that for a full 2 weeks (until I get my next paycheck) I only have money to get back and forth to work. No lunch money, no go out for a drink with a friend money, no order a pizza on Friday night for the kids money; NOTHING.

           Instead, I pay bills smarter. For starters, I learned how to call and work out payment arrangements. For companies that will allow you to post-date payments up to seven days (Shout out to Verizon Wireless!!!), I do just that. I learned how to pay a large enough portion of the bill (without paying the whole amount), to keep the service on as well as to stagger payments. Before, I would pay everything without employing any of these strategies and just be broke for a pay period. But for anyone who has ever done this, you know how miserable and destructive to your self-esteem it is to be a grown woman or man, who works hard every day but doesn’t have enough money to spend $20.00 on yourself.  This type of poverty will make you hate yourself, your job and life in general. I have learned that life is short and that happiness is the priority. If you can be happy penniless, go for it; but if you can’t, find ways to maneuver around your bills so that you can live well while you try to get it right.

MYTH 5:  (Responsible adults) Give fun and adventure an expiration date

          Don’t kid yourself; it’s never too late to have fun! You can still party, go to strip clubs, girls weekends, get drunk and laugh until you cry over nothing. In fact by this point in your life, you've really earned it; even more so than when you were in your 20's! Being mature isn't about being ultra conservative, dry and corny. Maturity equates to decision making. You never wake up and suddenly feel mature. I still feel like the girl I was at 20. I still have it in me to react to things the same way I did when I was 20 which can be both negative and positive. For instance, if you catch me wrong, that feisty 20 year old in me is still at the surface desiring to curse you out AND smack you. Maturity however, leads me to make a wiser decision; a decision more in line with the woman I am today. Being 43 has nothing to do with it though. By the same token, I still like to laugh until I’m breathless just as I did when I was a teenager.  It’s really about balance; balancing the mature you with the girl in you. So, indulge that 22 year old that still dwells within you. If you have exercised, ate well and kept your body tight and toned, wear shorts and heels. You're not too old for it. If you and your man like amusement parks, go…....without the kids. It’s not against the law. Life is to be lived and living is enjoying; not just existing. Don't let society dictate the rules of your life.

I'm Not Perfect, But You're Messed Up Too"

If I had a nickel for every time one of my kids gave me the "you ain’t crap shrug," or the "you always disappoint me look," or the "I really wish I had a better mom" dry, silent treatment, I'd be a billionaire. It seems that despite my best and most valiant efforts, I'm always falling short. I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm a good mom by anybody's standards. Well, anybody's but a child who has not yet moved past his selfish, “me-me-me” stage.

I used to take these attacks personally and I would feel so guilty. I knew I was doing a good job, but I would still feel bad that for whatever reason my kids weren't happy. Something I was doing or neglecting to do, was causing them sadness. It killed me. Then one day with the help of my wise cousin, I decided to give myself a break. I am a single parent working hard professionally and emotionally to play the role of both parents. I'm sure I fall short but so do they; they are not perfect kids. There: I said it. (Let it marinate.) Ok……

I’ve received disciplinary calls from school, set punishments for bad report cards, even made a couple trips to the police station. As parents however, we try hard to build our kids up; not focus on their mistakes.  We constantly tell them how great they are, how much we love them, how smart they are etc. We don't focus on the negative sides of their personality: how selfish and ungrateful they can be, how obnoxious and lazy, how insensitive and spoiled and sometimes downright mean. And I’m not saying that we should highlight these things. I definitely think that we should go above and beyond to build them up to be confident, moral people that love and value themselves and others. The question is, “are we going about achieving this purpose in the right way?” By ignoring our kids’ faults and allowing them to highlight all of ours, we contribute to the inherent selfish nature they are born with.
Babies: beautiful, chubby little cherubs that you just want to hug and kiss to pieces; except of course when they are crying endlessly for no reason and keeping you up for the second night straight.  Don’t they realize you have to wake up at 5:30 am for work and it’s already 2:00?? When they drop their pacifier on the floor and start wailing to the tops of their lungs because you don’t take your hands off the steering wheel to get it immediately, don’t they know it’s because you can’t? Of course they don’t. Everybody knows that. They are babies. And babies want everything right now no matter what. They don’t know enough about people or the world around them to understand that they are not the only ones with needs and feelings. As they get older however, their minds can handle this additional information. But do we give it to them? Do we teach them to understand the needs of others? Do we teach them to be non-judgmental, considerate and understanding? Or in our haste and desire to be better parents than our own, do we inadvertently allow them to stay in their selfish “baby stage” well past the time when it’s acceptable or cute? I believe we do. And this is making a generation of selfish people who care only about themselves. We’re grooming our children to be obnoxious little people that only we can love because we have to. But I want to actually like my children; not because they’re mine but because they’re nice, likeable people. How do we do it? Here are some tips for handling imperfect children who expect perfection. 

            The Guilt Trip: Don’t take it.  Do not allow your children to make you feel guilty when you’re doing the best you can. We expect our children to do their best and no matter if their best falls short of our desires, we are forced to accept it and continue loving them.  So why should they get to treat us any differently? My daughter used to rule my life with this manipulative tactic. If I was going out or doing anything other than what she wanted me to do, she would walk around with this huge cloud of attitude wrapped all around her.  It would be a combination of sadness, disappointment and nastiness. Being the loving, sensitive mother that I am, I want my kids to be happy; especially now that I’m so happy. It’s a terrible heavy feeling of guilt to be insanely happy every day and see your kids unhappy. But I had to realize a couple of things to free myself from this dilemma. First, my daughter is not unhappy. Being unhappy is an overall state; and overall she is happy. She has a nice, safe home, friends and everything she needs. Her problem is she is a control freak and wants what she wants, when she wants it no matter who has to be inconvenienced. She’s still in her baby stage. I play into the foolishness by taking her drama seriously and feeling guilty because she’s not “happy,” when in fact, she’s just not happy for that moment. And guess what? That’s ok. You don’t have to be happy every minute of the day; especially when your unhappiness is self-imposed and stems from you acting spoiled, selfish and obnoxious. 

Teach your children to respect your free time:  When you go out; you’re out. Don’t allow them to sabotage your time away from home by calling and worrying you with mundane trivialities that could be addressed upon your return. My daughter was famous or shall I say infamous for doing this to me. I would “stress out” trying to find the perfect sitter for her so I could avoid her tormenting me all night with texts and calls complaining about how bored she was or how badly she wanted to come home. Sometimes I could accomplish this feat but more often I couldn’t. She was only happy at her Godmother’s. If she was anywhere else she raised holy hell; sometimes crying and complaining and at other times just walking around sulking and making everyone around her miserable. When she called, instead of dismissing her tantrums, I fed into them. I asked questions and entertained her complaints. By the 8^th call or text, my mood and night were ruined. Mission accomplished. At some point I realized that being a good mother doesn’t require that I allow my kids to manipulate and control me emotionally. If I go out or away and leave them in a safe, loving environment where they could be happy if they wanted to be, then I’ve done my part. They need to respect my "friend time" the same way I allow them to have fun and enjoy their friends when they’re away.

            Try to be as honest and transparent as appropriate with your children:  Allow them to see you as a human being and not a super hero from the planet “motherhood.” It’s ok to show them that your feelings get hurt, that you’re overwhelmed and sometimes confused. Let them know that you don’t always have the right answers but that you love them and try your hardest to do what’s best for everyone. Also let them know that you have needs, interests and desires outside of them. Yes, they are a priority but they are not your only priority. I know that most of us learned to protect our kids from the ugly truth and to shelter them from the difficult situations that arise in our lives in an effort to keep them from worrying. But I have found this to be more detrimental than helpful to all involved. First of all, children are stronger and more resilient than you think. They can handle change, tough situations and disappointment better than we think. If all they see is faux perfection, how will they learn to handle disappointment and reality? Secondly, they respect honesty much more than they do lies and facades. In fact, down the road when the truth comes out, and it always does, they often feel upset and betrayed by our dishonesty. 

          Let your children know that there are limits to how far you will go to accommodate their wants:  In our modern society that teaches “rush, do more, stay busy and never take a break” mania as a way of life, our children are constantly involved in activities. Rest and down time has played out. If you’re 40 plus, surely you remember as a kid having whole days and weeks where you didn’t have shit to do but breathe; nowhere to go, no people to see, no trips to take, no play dates….. (speaking of play dates, who came up with that term? I hate it!) We were bored much of the time and no one spent part of the rent money to take us to Dave & Busters to relieve us of this strange disease called Boredom which suddenly leads to insomnia, weight gain, death and other undesirables. And guess what? We didn’t die! In fact, a little thing called “creativity” was birthed in us, and we invented amazingly fun games and activities to occupy our time and energy. I had a ball playing “freeze tag,” “old lady,” and “Little House on the Prairie.” But this was back during the time, that it was ok to be bored. It was during the time when children still knew how to be tolerant and patient and understood that their insignificant whims were less important than the daily tasks and responsibilities that grown-ups faced.

          Now fast forward to the present: how many times have you nearly broken your neck trying to get your kids to soccer practice, chess club, a friend’s house for pizza….. at the expense of work, the legal speed limit, and your sanity? If you’re like most parents, a million times at least. We miss things that are important to us and run ourselves ragged making sure that our kids get here, there and everywhere. We don’t receive nor expect special thanks for this. But I think we should expect special thanks because often children take these efforts for granted. Basketball practice is not a requirement unless you play for the Lakers. It is not worth a speeding ticket or the stress we incur to get them there every time. But they come to expect this type of “cracked out” mania every time. The first time you can’t make it, they’re visibly upset. You get that “you aint crap shrug” and that “you’re always disappointing me” look that tugs at our heartstrings and triggers our feelings of guilt and inadequacy. But what it really should trigger is a good “cussing out.” When our kids work really hard on a project at school but bring home only a “C,” we console them and tell them “it’s ok because you tried your best, blah, blah, blah…..” We say and do everything we can to make them feel better. But what if we gave them the same “you aint crap shrug” and “you always disappoint me look” that they give us? We would be crowned “world’s worst parents.” But what’s the difference? Shouldn’t they be crowned “world’s worst kids” for being insensitive? Children aren’t born being sensitive and considerate. They learn it from us. The best way to teach it is to require it in their dealings with us since their relationship with us is their first significant one. If we break our necks getting them to every frivolous activity at the expense of life and limb, how will they gain a sensitivity and appreciation for other people’s time and efforts?  Giving in to their whims, allowing them to throw tantrums and exercise insensitivity and stubbornness whenever we fall short in their eyes, is encouraging them to be horrible adults.

            Discourage at all costs the development of a sense of entitlement and superiority: Your children are not entitled to any more of anything than you are. They are not superior to you nor are their wants and feelings superior to yours. They don’t deserve more patience, tolerance, love, understanding, and gratitude than you or any other person in the world. When they are hurt, disappointed, sad or tired, the negative feeling is no more intense for them than it is for you. You are both human and as such have some of the same needs and desires. Teach them this early! The world does not revolve around any one person: including them!! Let them know that you are not perfect but you love them dearly and are committed to doing your best for them. Tell them that you need unconditional love, patience, and sensitivity from them. In return, you will give them the same. If the time comes that you need to remind them that they are imperfect and bring disappointment to you sometimes as well, do it. Teach them that throwing stones opens them to being hit with a couple themselves. 

        At the end of the day, I do the best I can for my family; and my best is pretty damn good. I now realize that taking care of them doesn’t have to come at the expense of me.  This realization has been liberating. My children are definitely a priority, but so am I.  I have learned that their whims and selfishness are things to be discouraged and ignored; not encouraged and fed into.  The bottom line here is when you know and respect who you are as a parent, you can be comfortable in your decisions and how you handle your children. I know how much I love them, and how concerned I am for their well-being and happiness. So when the mother they try to portray me as, is in total contradiction with the mother that I know I am, I trust myself.  My kids are great kids; as are yours I’m sure. They have the capacity to be understanding and sensitive if we give them the opportunity to exercise it. It really is up to parents to turn our crying, selfish babies into caring, sensitive adults. 

The Fine Art of Being Selfish

Imagine this: you wake up when you feel like waking up; not when you have to. Later, you go have breakfast on a breezy patio and then off to enjoy a mani / pedi and an afternoon movie. What movie do you see: Any “F'ing” thing you want to because today you have no one to consider but yourself! If this sounds glorious and inconceivable all at the same time, you may be in need of some serious "me" time. This is doubly true if you are a woman and quadrupally true if you’re a mom. The problem is “me” time or any phrase or sentence with the word “me” in it, has become synonymous with selfish in the minds of women. And in a woman’s mind, there is no characteristic worse than selfishness. We are raised from birth to nurture and care for everybody; starting with our baby dolls on up to our boyfriends and finally our husbands and kids.  

It is this upbringing and socialization that makes “selfish” a bad word for women but fine for everybody else. Society accepts the fact that men are selfish at times and kids are selfish - period. But if a woman is EVER selfish, she's a bad mom and less than "wife material." We all need some “self” time every now and then, however women consistently cut themselves short in this area making the quest for the title of “SuperMom” and “SuperWoman” top priority. What they don't realize is over time, these titles in all their splendor and beauty, often morph into bitterness, burn out and bad health.

For women, even our vacations aren’t the relaxing breaks from “real life” that they are intended to be. I can remember several "vacations" that I went on with my family that felt nothing like a break. That's because for me they weren't. All the preparation (packing etc) was on me. Then once we got there, I felt more like the nanny who was hired to watch the kids to make sure the parent could have fun. My ex-husband probably thought he had done a fantastic deed by paying for the vacation, when in fact I was miserable.  I had 4 children (2 babies under the age of 2) and 2 older kids.  No one cared if I ate in peace, rode a ride, got any sleep...my schedule barely changed from what it was at home. The only change was the location; work was the same. I remember being especially miserable in Disney World; standing around with my 2 babies (ages 4 months and 2 years) fanning and spraying them so they wouldn't have strokes, while the husband and older kids got on every ride in the park. Never did anyone ask if there was something I wanted to do.  I remember complaining on the phone for hours to my best friend as I sat in the park perspiring more than I thought was humanly possible. How was it possible to be this miserable on vacation?

But had I understood then the fine art of being selfish, not only vacations, but my whole life as a wife and mother, would have played out differently. First of all, family vacation means just that: it’s a vacation for the family; the whole family including mom. So the same way my expectations for the kids and hubby are relaxed since we're on vacation, their expectations of me should’ve been relaxed. But they weren't. I was still expected to solely administer baths, comb hair, get kids dressed, keep accommodations neat etc. Tired yet? I left most family vacations exhausted, bitter, and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to kill the whole family.  What did I learn about taking care of me and what did I do to put it into action? I learned that being selfish is a fine art. Now I’m a master at it. Let me teach you.

1.    Win the fight with GUILT. It’s ok to put you first. Emergency and priority situations barred, you should consider yourself first. This sounds selfish but in fact it’s just human nature mixed with a little common sense. I have often felt guilty when I did things that I wanted to do that did not include my children. Afterwards, I would come home and over compensate for the fact that I went out to lunch (or wherever) without them. I have no idea why I felt that was necessary. I took them out regularly and dedicated the majority of my time to taking care of them and meeting their needs. But somewhere along the way, I adopted this attitude that I wasn’t worthy of spending time doing things that were solely for me. I needed that time to reconnect with the “me” that so often got shoved in a corner so that I could take care of others. When you take a vacation, buy yourself something, or say "no" to a request that is too difficult to accommodate, do not beat yourself up with feelings of guilt. This defeats the purpose and ruins the satisfaction that doing something nice for yourself is supposed to bring. If the people around you try to make you feel guilty, shut them down as well. As horrible as it sounds, your kids, husbands, friends and co-workers don’t always have your best interests at heart. They have theirs; that’s human nature. When you start treating yourself well, the people who have been draining you will resist because they see their “good thing” coming to an end. Don’t feed into it. Be secure in your decision to make yourself a priority.  Don’t be afraid that doing this will result in you short changing your family, job or other obligations, Love, concern and a sense of responsibility will be your safe guards against neglect.

      2. Love yourself and the things you value as much as you love others. We make our kids, husbands and their activities top priority. We'll risk life, liberty and limb to get our kids to their stuff: soccer practice, a friend’s house for a sleepover etc. If our husband needs us to attend an event, we'll drag ourselves there despite how we feel. But things that we value: girls night out, lunch or shopping with friends, Zumba class....we postpone or miss for any reason. Everything and Anything trumps it. Little league basketball practice would trump taking our best friend out for dinner on her 40th bday. Seriously? That little rug rat doesn't play for the Knicks! He can miss 1 practice for a special event. Guess what? He can even miss if you're just tired or don't want to drive in a torrential downpour. It’s cool; really. Teach your family that though they are a priority, they are not the only priority. Your activities and feelings count too. This is not bad mothering or neglectful behavior. It’s actually responsible parenting because you're teaching them to be considerate and sensitive.

      3. Finally, redefine selfishness. Selfish is defined as “caring only for oneself.” Thus it has a negative denotation and connotation; and rightfully so. Who wants to care only for themselves?  Sounds terribly lonely and boring and that’s not at all what I am advocating. I get a great deal of joy from loving, nurturing and taking care of my family and loved ones as do most women. I just want you to adjust the definition to make it a “good thing” for you to care for yourself too and not something that brings guilt or feelings of inadequacy. I was never at risk of only caring for me; I was at risk of not caring for me at all. Love, nurture, value, respect and support yourself the same way you do others. It only makes you better inside and out.  
        So I conclude that it’s better to be honest with yourself as a woman that you are a mere mortal, than to try fiercely to hold on to the title of SuperMom because she doesn’t exist.  If it means that much to you, have your family engrave it on your tombstone: "Here lies the most selfless woman in the Universe: Super Mom." Maybe it won't matter to you that you often felt used, under-appreciated, tired, stressed and neglected. Maybe you'll wear your shabby appearance, obvious lack of attention to yourself, and high blood pressure as a badge of honor. Maybe you'll feel that you lived up to your ideals of motherhood and womanhood by allowing yourself to be everyone's door mat. But me, I've learned. And I'm fine with having a tombstone that reads: "This bitch flipped the script and “did her” for a Change."